MAGIC U CAN DO IT 11

The dissolving coin

-Effect
A coin is taken in a handkerchief. The handkerchief is placed over a glass of water and the coin is dropped in. the audience sees the coin in the glass, and the upon a second look, the coin has dissolved out of glass.

-Trick
In order to do this effect, you need a clear glass cup, with no special bottom. Hold in the glass in one hand, and put the handkerchief over your other with the coin on top of the handkerchief. Slide the coin between your index finger and thumb, and cover the water filled glass the first time. Tilt it by raising your fingers upwards. This is unknown to the audience. After that, the coin is held in the handkerchief, above the tilted outside of the glass. When it is dropped, it should strike the outside or the glass then it slides into your fingers. The noise makes the audience think the coin landed inside the glass, but you just maneuvered it under the glass so that it rally looks like it is in the glass. Allow the audience to look straight down at the coin when showing it to them. Then, cover the glass back up with the handkerchief over it. Secretly, the coin will be in your opposite hand, which you nonchalantly slide into your pocket, drop the coin, and slide it back out while you’re removing the handkerchief from the glass.

Teleporting coins

Get four of the same coins that look about the same colour. Place one in each of your palms, close your fingers and place one in the space between the flesh of your closed palm and your fingernails. Tell the audience that by the law of gravity, when you turn your hands over that the two coins on the top (the ones between your fingernails and palm) will fall off. Turn your hands over quickly to demonstrate. After replacing coins, tell them about an ancient Egyptian teleporting law that says sometimes, if the person concentrates hard enough, that the coin will move from closed hand to closed hand to closed hand. Again you turn your hands over quickly, but this time as you turn them over, grab the coin on the outside of your left hand an ring it in with the other coin. At the same time, completely let go of both the coins in your right hand and re-close it. As did the last time, two coins fell, but when you open your hands, there will be two in your left hand and one none in your right. I would recommend using pennies. Presto!!

The quick coin trick

Ask your audience for a coin –quarter will do nicely – take it and show it to the audience, holding it between the tips of your fingers. You then drape a handkerchief over both the coin and your hand, and with the free hand grip the coin from the outside while you remove your hand from beneath the handkerchief and again grab the coin, this time from the outside. Move the other hand to the comer of the kerchief while holding the coin, and give a quick jerk to the kerchief, forcing the coin “through” the kerchief and leaving no discernable hole in the clotch.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 10

Coin in wool
-Effect
The performer makes a coin disappear and then reappear from centre of a ball of wool.

-Secret
Vanish a coin in any way you like (French drop, etc). then a coin tube is used to slide the coin into a ball of wool or yarn (this is prepared ahead of time, and placed in the magician’s jacket). A spectator is asked to unravel the wool (after the magician places the coin in the slide, he secretly removes the slide and presents the wool). The coin is then presented.

Double sided coin

-Effect
You make the spectator believe that you have a double-sided coin it is really a regular coin!

-Secret
In this trick you have a half dollar preferable or something that size. First you take the coin in your dominant hand. Next you flip your hand over onto the other hand but as you do this you turn the coin over with your thumb so that the same side up.

The demanched change

-Effect
One coin turns into a completely different one.

-Secret
You start with one coin finger palmed and the held between you thumb and forefinger of the same hand. Move the coin in your forefinger into a thumb palm (as if closing you fist) and push the finger_palmed coin out with your thumb.

-Note
Angles are killer so practice in front of a mirror . also , this move great for swiching a marked coin.

Falling quarter

Take a quarter or other coin your right hand. Turn to a member of the audience and ask them to stand. Hold the coin in your thumb and index finger and I say if when you count to three they can grab the coin, they can keep it. Raise the coin above your head and bring it down to the volunteer’s open hand twice, counting each time aloud. On the third time lift the coin above your head and place it gently and subtly on top of your head. Bring our hand down as you did before to the level of your volunteer’s open hand. They will make a swipe at the coin, but it will have vanished. Open both hands to show them it’s truly gone. The tell them you’ll bring back the coin. Hold their hand open and while their attention is directed to their own hand, tilt your head forward ever so slightly. The coin will drop into their hand, seemingly out of the sky.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 9

French drop

Put your coin in your left hand. Not too hard. You can do it. Grab for it with your right hand.
As your hand rights covers you’re left, drop the coin, so it rests in your palm. Keep the coin stuck in your palm, and make it look like the coin is in your right hand, but your lying. It’s okay; this one won’t hurt you. Then, throw your “coin” at some one, and they will be stunned. Now, quickly make the coin really disappear! HEY! Okay everyone!! Here’s cool, and very useful COIN TRICK. Sit at table, without a weird edge, preferably, and take your coin (I suggest a quarter for most coin tricks) and place it on the table. Put your hand over the quarter and slowly slide it towards you. When you reach the edge, with your hand still covering it, pretend to pick up, but actually let it drop to your lap. Pretend to hold coin, and then look like you will throw it in the air, or at someone, but it has disappeared. Suggestion: don’t let anyone stand behind you, just let everyone sit down, as long as they can’t look into your lap.

Coin to biscuit

-Effect
A borrowed, marked coin vanishes. Volunteer hands you a biscuit, and you eat up to halfway. The coin is seen in the middle of the biscuit. As the dealer ads. Would say no duplicates, no fakes, no stooges, no specially prepared biscuits, no problem.

-Secret
Borrow a coin from a member of the audience and get it marked. Vanish the coin in any way you like. I personally like the bobo vanish. Retain the coin in your right hand as you show the left empty. If you have skills, show both hands empty. (I have costumized a changeover palm to work with nearly any object, so try one for you!!) With the coin in your right hand, ask the volunteer to give you a biscuit. Take this with the left hand. Whilts doing this, get the coin in the upper front finger clip. Pass the biscuit over into your right hand resting the biscuit on the coin. Take the biscuit again with your left hand and press the coin flat against the back of the biscuit. Take a bite out of the biscuit, and push the coin hand up the back until it just sticks out the top. The owner will notice it, and you pull it out hand it back, then eat the rest of the biscuit for good measure. Alternatively, I sometimes “eat” the coin with the biscuit, and remove the coin, saying that a filling has come out, and show the coin!!

Silk handkerchief from money

-Effect
A bill is taken from your wallet, the bill is rolled into a tube shape, you reach into the rolled tube with fore finger and thumb and produce a small handkerchief, the bill is unrolled to show empty, and the hanky has vanished.

-Props
A Thumb tip. A small silk(“9”) that will fit into the thumb tip easily, and a dollar bill.

-Secret
Load silk into thumb tip, when ready to perform push thumb into the thumb tip, take out wallet and remove the bill, show the bill, keeping thumb with tip behind the bill, roll the bill into a tube and around thumb tip, leaving the thumb tip in rolled bill, reach in, slowly pull silk from tube, unroll the bill revealing the silk has vanished, return the bill to the wallet and put into pocket ditching thumb tip.

Hopping quarter

-Effect
Place a quarter in the palm of your hand, then quickly close your hands and ask the spectator which hand contains the quarter. They will always choose the wrong hand.

-Secret
Turn your hands over quickly and secretly toss the quarter in the opposite hand. Once you perfect this it is unnoticeable and a great trick.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 8

Swindled coin

-Effect
The performer removes a hand full of change from his left hand trouser pocket. He holds out the handful of change, along with a black marker, and tells the spectator to choose a coin, mark it with an X, and return it to the magicians left palm. The magician then takes the coin with his right hand, and returns the rest of the change to his left trouser pocket. The coin is then placed against the leg directly below the pocket. The coin is then rubbed into the cloth, whereupon the coin vanishes. It is found back inside the left pocket with the rest of the change.

-Method
After the spectator marks the coin, the right hand “pretends” to take it. In reality the coin is in your right hand covered up with another coin on top. Hold your hand in the air as if you have the coin. Hesitate for a second with your left hand so that the spectator can see that the marked coin is not in your left hand anymore (this way the spectator mentally concludes that the marked coin must be in your right hand). Place the rest of the change back into your pocket. Take the right hand and its supposed coin and place it against your leg, in the area of the left pocket. Now rub the imaginary coin into your leg. Then slowly part your right fingers to show that the coin has vanished. Reach into your left pocket and pull you the change. Ask the person what kind of coin they chose. They might say a quarter. Then go through the change and find the marked coin and put it in top and show the spectators.

Handkerchief and coin trick

-Effect
The magician sticks the coin into the hanky, flips the handkerchief over when the coin disappears.

-Method
You secretly wrap a rubber band around your fingers and thumb.
Then you place the hanky in that hand.
With your other hand place the coin in the hanky.
Then let the rubber band slide off of your fingers and onto the hanky so it surrounds the coin and it is under the hanky.
Then you slide your hand up to the end of the hanky and give it a good shake. That makes it look like the coin disappeared.
The coin is really held in the hanky by the rubber band, invisible to everyone as the hanky material surrounds it.

Palm penetration

-Effect
You ask the spectator to hold out his or her hand palm up. You in turn place your hand on top of theirs, palm down. With your other hand you place a quarter or other coin on top of your hand and explain to the spectator that with one quick slap of the coin you will make it pass through your hand and into theirs!

-Materials needed
2 identical coins, a small piece of transparent adhesive tape or magician’s wax, (for advanced magicians super fast sleight of hand will do)

-Method
When you place your hand on top of the spectators open hand, you will already have the coin in you palm. If you place your hand on theirs quickly enough, the coin will not fall nor will the spectator already feel it in their hand! You then place the “other” coin on top, on the back of your hand.
On the palm of your hand, which is not touching the spectators, is where the tape or wax will be. Then with a quick motion, you smack the top of the coin, which actually gets stuck to the tape/wax. Slowly remove your other hand to let the surprised spectator see how it “magically” passed through your hand! For those advanced magicians out there (you know who you are) you can grab the quarter instead of using the tape/wax. If you do not wish to use the spectators hand you can do the same trick on your lap, but in their hand sells the trick much better.

Coin bite

-Effect
The magician borrows a coin from the spectator and is seen to take a bite out of the coin.

-Preparation
Take a quarter and file one side of it down so it looks like someone has bitten a chunk out of it.

-Method
Approach a spectator and ask them to borrow a quarter.
You have already the gimmicked quarter between your thumb and forefinger of your right hand.
Take the quarter from the spectator and quietly move your finger and thumb and switch the coins.
Their coin is now slid to the back of your finger. Pretend to be biting and tearing of a section of what is now your gimmick coin and eventually tug it free of your mouth to show the spectator who should look amazed.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 7

Andruzzi ascending
This trick is of medium skill

-Effect
To perform the andruzzi levitation, the magician floats 6 inches off the ground with spectators in front and behind him.

-Preparation
What you need to do is find a pair of hard rubber shoes. I use a new pair of casual adidas superstars, don’t use leather shoes, or the prepared shoe will bend during the levitation. To prepare the shoe, you need to cut a hole on the bottom of your ‘lifting foot’. Make sure there’s about 5mm in the front and back of the shoe. I also recommend wearing black socks during the presentation.

-Method
Go out and find up to four spectators. Place two of them behind you for the proper angles of the balducci levitation. Say your lifting foot (the foot inside the prepared shoe) is your right. Have the other two specs stand in front of you, but have them stand more to your left, and make sure they can still see both your feet. It’s then a simple matter, to slip your toes out of the uncut segment in the front of your shoe to do normal balducci levitation, come back down to the ground, slip your toes back into the segment, and walk away.

Vanishing quarter

Appear to vanish a quarter through a table

-Effect
A glass is covered with a paper tube. The glass and tube is then placed over a coin on the table. When the paper tube removed, the coin has vanished and has actually travelled through the table.

-Preparation
You will need an ordinary glass. Three sheets of white paper approx 8 inches by 12 inches. Glue and scissors and a coin. Place some glue round the rim of the glass upside on a sheet of white paper and allow the glue to dry. When the glue is dry cut round the rim of the glass with the scissors so a paper circle covers the mouth of the glass. Turn the glass upside down and wrap a second sheet of paper round it to form a loose fitting tube and glue this and allow drying. Place a coin on third sheet of paper laid on the table and a second coin of the same value should be attached by tape or wax under the table.

-Method
Announce to a spectator that you are going to make a coin travel through a solid table. Take the paper tube and pace it over the glass, which is already on the table upside down on top on the sheet of paper. Lift the tube-covered glass and place it over the coin with the glass still being upside down. Remove the tube from the glass and the coin appears to have disappeared. Give the tube to the spectator for inspection. The coin is actually under the paper rim of the glass, which is invisible as it is the same color as the paper sheet on the table. If you wish to increase the effect you can reach under the table and remove the other coin and tell the spectator that the coin has actually travelled through the table.

Easy coin vanish

-Effect
A coin is placed onto the table and it vanishes

-Method
Put the coin onto the table with your left hand. Say something like “check this out” and reach over with your right hand. Then press down on the coin with your middle, index and third finger with your hand and arm parallel with the table. Slide the coin towards you remembering that it should be completely covered up. Slide the coin off the table so it falls on your lap without the spectator seeing. Touch your thumb to your middle finger as if you are picking up the coin as it reaches the edge of the table. Keeping your fingers still closed, stare at where the coin should be as you slowly move your hand away from you back to about 6 inches from where the coin originally was. Start moving your thumb in a circular motion as if the coin’s disappearing. Slowly turn your hand around and spread your fingers apart. Now the rest is up to you. The more surprised you act the more people will believe that they have seen a real coin vanish.

Minus your money

-Effect
The magician clearly has three one-dollar bills and magically, one disappears leaving the two left untouched, right before the audiences baffled Eyes!
Preparation
Secretly take out of your pocket/purse a dollar bill and fold it over about two thirds across. Take another bill and place it over the crease of the fold hiding the fold from view. The two bills should now look somewhat like Three-dollar bills.

-Method
Take the already set dollar bills in your hand and announce that you are about to do what most people dread, make your money disappear. Take the top of the two bottom edges of the dollar bill. When they are in between your thumb and pointer finger, shake the bill wildly so the top edge of the bill flops backward making the folded bill unfolded. Then, take your bills and show that three one-dollar bills have magically changed into two genuine Dollar bills.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 6

Group human levitation

-Effect
A person becomes seemingly weightless and may be lifted from a chair on the index fingers of four smaller people. Although various explanations have been proposed, this classic stunt continues to my stiffly and amuse.

-Stage 1
The person to be lifted (choose a fairly heavy person) should be relaxed but upright on a firm chair. Feet should be the floor and hands on the lap. The four assistants should stand two on each side, one by each shoulder and one by each knee. Each assistant should make fists with both hands, and then extend the two forefingers and touch them together, gently but firmly the two assistants standing by the shoulders, place their extended forefingers under the seated persons right or left armpit. The other two assistants place their forefinger under the seated persons left or right knee. The person to be lifted thinks “down” and imagines him or herself to be sinking into the chair. In this position, the four assistants should try to lift the person.

-Stage 2
The assistants should now place their palms on top of the seated persons knee or shoulder and together, exert a steady downwards force. While they are doing this someone counts out loud from one to ten. On the count of nine, the four assistants quickly take their former positions with extended forefingers under the armpit or knee. On the count of ten, they try again to lift the person. The seated person should think up and imagine him or herself rising into the air. If these instructions are followed carefully, the person will soar straight up into the air on the forefingers of the assistants. This trick is very visual and can really entertain a crowd.

Floating bill and small objects levitation

David Blaine demonstrated classic object levitation on his TV special where he asks a spectator to watch while he picks up a leaf and causes it to levitate above his hand. This appeared to be totally impromptu which made it even more impressive. This type of levitation is performing by using “invisible thread” which can either be purchased as a proprietary brand from good magic suppliers or by separating some fine polyester thread into individual strands and using a single strand. One end of this strand should be attached to some sticky tape and placed in the mouth between the gum and check or high shirt button while the other and can be placed at the right moment to a solid object (In David Blaine’s case, the tree.). The magician the stands at the correct distance so that the string is tight and the object (a bill or a leaf) wrapped around the thread, which his above the magician’s hand. This should look like the magician is just scrunching up the note on the palm of their hand. By using very small movements of the head or body, the magician can then tighten the thread causing the note to rise and is also able to move his hands around the object to show that it really is levitating. The object can then be made to return to the palm and be examined by the spectator. The magician can then casually walk away, the thread breaking which is not a problem as it is cheap. This trick is also performed more smoothly and discretely by use of an invisible thread reel, which is used by professional magicians.




Kundalini rising card trick
This trick is a medium skill

-Effect
Using a borrowed deck, a card is selected, signed, and placed back into its pack. The pack is put inside its box for its spectator to hold. The magic happens in his hands, and slowly…miraculously…the card starts to rise from the pack. The spectator immediately takes the signed card, and all can be examined after this Davis Blaine style trick has been performed.

-Preparation
Buy a spool of invisible elastic from the local magic shop. It won’t cost a lot but the effect it provides is well worth it. With the elastic, cut off just a short enough thread to make a loop around your wrist. Tie the loop, and as long as you wear it everywhere you go, you’re always ready for this effect.

-Method
You can borrow a pack of cards or open a new deck in front of your spectator. Shuffle the pack to prove that they are in no particular order and give to the spectator to cut in two piles and to choose any pile that they want. Take the other pile and tell them that they choose the pile they have for a reason and that a certain card is probably attracting them to it and with your back turned ask them to choose any card from the pile and to sign it. When your back is turned, you secretly vertically wrap the loop of invisible thread around your half of the pack. You can tell that you you’re turning the other way and that the selection is pure honesty and that there’s no way of knowing which card they would choose. Take the rest of the cards and put them with your half of the pack. Tell the spectator that their card is unique and that there is no other card in the world that looks like that one. You then take the card and plunge it into your half of the deck. Take all the cards and place them in the card box leaving it opens. You then hand the box to the spectator and ask them to hold it and concentrate on the signed card. The signed card should slowly rise from the box to the amazement of the spectator. Take the card and show it to them before it has fully risen and while they are inspecting it, take the rest of the cards out of the box and remove the invisible thread where you can again slip it on your wrist. Everything is now ready for inspection and you can walk away.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 5

Eye popper
This can be a real shocker.

-Items needed
A fork, knife or spoon.
Coffee milk and/or cream container.
When you’re at the restaurant with some friends and your feeling kind of down….

-Method
Very slyly grab one of those coffee milk / cream containers and hide it in your hand. Now with the other hand, pick up a knife, fork or spoon. Start talking to yourself, saying, “I’m hate my life, I just don’t feel like I can take it anymore.” Until everyone at the table starts to look at you in a weird way. Then take the hand with container concealed in it and hold it up to your eye with the paper side down, and take the spoon and act like you’re showing it into your eye. (take care here; it is better to use a blunt object such as a spoon handle) A bunch of white milk/ cream will come squirting out on everybody. If you want to make it more dramatic scream and fall on the floor, and start having convulsions.




David Blaine and Balducci levitation
-Effect
The magician raises his arms up by his sides and slowly appears to rise a few inches off the ground for a little while before returning to earth quickly.

-Balducci method
The balducci method involves positioning your audience about 8 to 10 feet away at a 45-degree angle. You need to keep your audience small so they are within this field of sight. This very restrictive angle trick and it is essential that the angels be practiced, preferably with a friend or in front of mirror. The balducci levitation involves pretending to float off the ground by going on to your tiptoes on just one foot (the one furthest from their view) while the nearest foot is raised a little off the ground. This looks fantastic as your trousers; the nearest foot and the angel they are watching at hide the foot on your tiptoe. You only rise a few inches off the ground but the impression is fantastic. This trick is all in the presentation with you appearing to rise slowly, wait for a second or two and then return to the ground quickly so as the audience do not have time to figure the trick out.

-David Blaine version
David Blaine used various camera shots in his TV special with the audience reaction being filmed close up and linked to other clips of him in mid air with some of the angels showing the balducci levitation. The special did not show the number of times he mucked up the illusion, which is very easy to do. The view that shows him rise a good few inches in the air and doesn’t show the audience and would have been done with a bar attached to a pivot like a seesaw. The end of the pivot would have had a hook which clipped on to a hams attached to his belt and a member of the crew would have pushed down on the other side of the bar lifting David up in the air. The camera angle would have hidden the props. The film would have been mixed in with the audience clips in the studious later.

-10 tips to perform the perfect Balducci Levitation.

1. Wear wide leg pants or slacks that come down just past your ankles. This dramatically helps cover the “other” foot.

2. Face the right angle – if audience is at “6 o’clock” and you are in the middle of the clock-face to 10:30 or 11:00 away from them.

3. Only do the tricks for 2 or 3 people at a time-more than that create a bigger angle for you to deal with. Even better is only one person. You have to control which tricks you do and when. Do trick when the “deck” is stacked in your favor. Then let those few people talk and build rumors. Your reputation will be greater.

4. Don’t stand too far away from your audience on the levitation…about 6 feet is good, up to about 8 feet.

5. Never, ever tell them that your are about levitation. If you do that it will make them watch harder. You want a surprise element to it….almost as if they don’t quite know what they saw.

6. Tell them you are going to “try” something…it doesn’t always work and you have only been able to do it twice before. Then move away to the approximate correct distance and somewhat turn your back to the 10:30 angle in order to “concentrate”. Then put your hands down by your sides and after a few moments slowly start to rise. Going up, hovering for a moment, and coming down should only take about 4 second total? Come down, look surprised yourself and go, “wow…it worked. Did you see that?”

7. If you are turned slightly to the left from them make sure your left foot remains parallel to the floor on” lift off”. (That is what gives a big part of the illusion is that foot’s toes being up in the air).

8. Practice rising up and down over and over…do it a “million” times-get it SMOOTH and effortless.

9. Do a few smaller tricks for them first….get them used to being affected by street magic and the fact that you can do it. Don’t ever just jump into the balducci levitation as your first trick. Get them impacted first, and then say, “There was something I’ve done couple of mind reading tricks right before it and they are thinking about the paranormal.

10. Practicing the levitation in a mirror is good, but if you have a video camera and can set it up on tripod at eye level-exactly where your audience’s eyes would be-is literally ten times better. It will improve your levitation dramatically.

This tips if practiced should make your levitation much, much better

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 4

Penetrating ashes trick
This was another trick performed by David Blaine on his television special.

-Effect
The magician takes a cigarette and rubs some of the ashes into the spectator’s clenched fist until they disappear. He then says some magic words and asks the spectator to open their fist and the ash has penetrated onto their palm.

-Preparation
Put some ash on your middle finger

-Method
Tell the spectator to stand in front of you and hold their hands out two ads you, palms down. Tell them to come a little closer and physically grab their hands to gently pull the person a little closer. At the same time touch their palm lightly with the ash on your middle fingers. Ask them to close fists, borrow a lit cigarette, which you use to flick some ash on their fist rub in until it disappears. You can then say some magic words and ask them to open their hands when the ash seems to have penetrated their fists. This trick can get a really good reaction but should only be performed once or the spectators will get wise.




Coin island
-Preparation
1 glass, a matchbook, six quarters, and an ashtray with water.

-Objective
Bet your friend one drinks that you can get the water out of the ashtray using only the ingredients mentioned and without moving or tilting the ashtray.

-Solution
Make sure ashtray is filled with at most a quarter inch of water. Stack the quarters in the centre of the ashtray so the top two quarters are above the water. Place four unlit matches on top of the quarters. Light the matches and immediately cover the flame and quarter with the glass. The water will be drawn into the glass. Collect your bets.




The bar balanced
Balance three identical glasses on top of the each other.

-The challenge
To balance 3 empty beer glasses on top of each other on their outer rim, without the help of any other object whatsoever.

-The secret
Firstly the glasses should be empty and identical. The main secret of this drink winner is that if you imagine a clock face when you look at the glasses from above you must remember 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock. Now the trick in 3 easy steps:
Place your first glass (A) down the bar. Place the second glass (B) on top of (A) in the position of 10 o’clock. Now place the third glass (C) on top of (B) in the 2 o’clock position. This trick will take a bit of practice, but when you get it right a few times it gets easier. This is a great one to do in bar just before you leave! It leaves the bar staff be livered.




Psychic dice
-Effect
A spectator is asked to drop 3 dice into glass of water, raise the glass over their head and count the total of the dice on bottom. The spectator the sets the glass back down, the bartender dips his finger in the water, rubs his finger in his forehead and after a little concentrating, announces the total of the dice on the bottom to the spectator amazement.

-Preparation
You will need a glass of water and 3 dice

-Method
All you have to do is up the total of the numbers on top of the dice and subtract this total from 21. This will gave you the bottom total. Amazing.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 3

Two card Monte
This trick requires a lot of practice and is for advanced magicians.

-Effect

(This is the trick that was performed on the David Blaine special and requires a complete mastery of the double lift). The magician shows the spectator, the queen of diamond son top of the deck. He then tells the spectator to hold the queen face down between his fingers. The performer then shows the next top card, the order red queen. After several fast sneaky switches of the cards, the spectator is told to guess which card is where. When he turns over his hand, he realizes he is holding no aces at all.

-Preparation

This trick is done with a regular set of cards. Before performing the trick, put the black ace on the bottom, preferably the ace of clubs, it is less conspicuous. On the top of the deck, place the queen diamonds, then the ace of spades, then the queen of hearts.

-Performance

With the deck set up as above, first show the spectator the (actual) top card. Tell them to hold it between their fingers, face down. Then tell them to look at the card they have, so they are sure that there was no fancy moves in play. Using this misdirection, prepare to double lift the next two cards once they have looked at their card. Perform the double lift and show them queen of hearts with the ace concealed. Put the cards back on top of the deck, and then remove the ace without showing them the face of the ace. Then pretend to switch the cards, once or twice. After this say “Ok imp going to teach you how to do this “. This time, perform the “Switch” very slowly, actually switching the cards. ( Make sure that they do not look at the ace in their hands). Then, very quickly, making sure that they don’t notice what you are doing, take the queen of diamonds you are holding and put it on top of the deck. Then steal the card off the bottom of the deck (ace of clubs) and give it to them. Then ask them to tell you where the card is. After you hear this guess, have them turn over their hand and be amazed.

Anti gravity beer
-Effect
An annoying person returns from the toilet to find that their bottle of beer has been turned upside down without any beer falling out. The bottle is then handed to them when the beer spills all over the place.

-Preparation

• A packet of cigarettes
• A full bottle beer
• A beer mat
• Sharp scissors or a knife
• A pair of running shoes

-Method
Cover the rim of the beer bottle, wet the rim and stick the plastic on top of the bottle. Place a beer mat on top of the bottle and holding the beer mat turn the bottle upside down. Carefully remove the beer mat and the plastic should keep the beer inside the bottle. When your friend returns, it will look like the beer is defying gravity. While they are still amazed, ask them to take a seat and them the inverted bottle. Tap the bottom of the bottle gently and run as fast as you can, as your friend gets soaked with beer.




Everlasting ash
-Effect
A friend is challenged to see who can smoke a cigarette the longest distance without losing any ash. You win.

-Preparation
You will need a packet of cigarettes and a paperclip.

-Method
Everything starts off ok, but soon they realize that they are fighting a losing battle as your entire cigarette refuses to let a single piece of ash drop. It’s all in the hidden paperclip. Simply straighten it out and slide it down your cigarette (taking care not to punch a hole in the side in the process). Make sure it slightly digs into the filter so as to give it some stability. Now, snip off the end. This should give you a normal looking cigarette with no protruding wire(s). Light up and see for yourself, this looks great in the right context. Just lighting one up in the pub makes you an instant magnet for girls (& drunken males). Remember you can add the wire to the cigarette at any time. The cigarette ‘tastes’ normal (or so I’m told) so if someone thinks it is a fake just let humor her have a drag. If you are good play actor then you can pretend to cast a ‘hex’ upon it. Remember a decent pub trickster always puts on really good performance when needed.




Liquor switch
-Challenge
One shot glass is filled with water and the other with whisky. The challenge is to get the bourbon in the glass that has the water and the water in the glass that has the bourbon without using any other containers including your mouth.

-Preparation
You need two identical shot glasses.
1 noun-porous piece of paper, like a playing card
Water and a spirit of your choice

-Solution
Place the non-porous paper (playing card) on top of the shot of water. Turn the card the water shot round carefully. The paper will stay attached to the shot easily. Now place the water shot, glass and card on top of the shot bourbon. Slowly and carefully, pull the playing card just far enough out to make a small opening between the two glasses. Water, being heavier than alcohol, will flow to the bourbon glass and displace the bourbon into the water glass. You have just made the switch. If you are truly skilled at this bar trick, you will be able to replace the paper between the two shot glasses and remove the bourbon and put it back on the bar. Please make sure that opening between the glasses is very small, as large opening will cause the water and alcohol to mix.

MAGIC U CAN DO IT 2

This trick is medium skill.

-Effect

The magician invites a spectator to stand near a car, he then asks the spectator to check that the car tax disc is inside the windscreen. The spectator agrees, the magician then places his hands over the disc and pulls it out trough the solid glass.

-Preparation

This trick needs along piece of fishing line, two identical tax discs, a car and a spectator.

-Method

Attach a piece of fishing line to the tax disc inside the car and run it out to the trunk and out to the back of the car. Have your assistant ducking down behind the back of the car holding the line, where the spectator cannot see him. Palming the duplicate disc is inside the car. With the disc in your right hand, cover the tax disc with your hands. This you cue to the assistant. He pulls the line and keeps pulling until the disc is ripped of the windscreen and pulled right inside the trunk at the back and out of view of the spectators. Meanwhile, you pretend to struggle to pull the disc from inside the car, hand it to the spectator and casually walk off. It is good to really look like your putting a lot of effort into getting the tax disc through the wind screen.

The card flick revelation

-Effect

A spectator chooses a card from a deck of cards. The deck is shuffled by the magician and the given to the spectator to shuffle. The magician draws out a card from the deck, not the chosen card and holds it in fingertips. He gives the card a short sharp flick from behind and instantly the card changes into the spectators!!

-Preparation

Two decks are required. Choose a card that you want the spectator to choose and glue it back to back of any other card in the deck. Out of the top left hand corner (for right-handed people) before gluing leave a small needle or long pin sticking 2cm diagonally out of the cards. This should be glued half way firmly inside sandwich of cards. You should now have a card with two faces and the little pin protruding about 2cm from one corner.

-The trick

Force them to choose the necessary card by your favorite force method. Shuffle and loose the card in the pack. When they are shuffling the deck withdraw the prepared card from your pocket with you left hand being careful not to let them see it. As they pass the card back to you, receive them with both hands, left hand facing you so they don’t see the cards and bring your hands together on the deck, left hand with prepared card on the top of the deck and right hand facing in wards under the deck (almost like praying position with a deck of cards in-between you hands!). Keeping your hands moving and in one continuous motion draw off the card that is in your left hand.

To the audience it looks like they shuffle the pack and you draw off a card when it is returned to you. If the whole action is done with hands slightly faced towards your body the back of your hands hides many of motions so they might not even know that the card came off the top. Hold the card by the very tip with the pin between your thumb and forefinger of the left hand. The face they can see not their card, their card’s face facing you.

Ask them that is their card,” no, “they will reply. “Oh”, you say,”in that case concentrate very hard on your card. “After you say this give bottom right hand edge of the card a short and sharp flick and let it flip over on the pin you fingers. To the audience their card will appear just by flicking it!! They will think you really are Blaine in disguise.

-Hints

Don’t let anyone stand behind you for this trick; they will see the double-faced card. You will have to figure out yourself how to get rid of the double-faced card without them seeing it.try practicing in front of a mirror to refine the flicking action so that the card can complete make the complete 180-degree flip. It won’t look good if it didn’t quite make it.

Voodoo ash

-Effect

A name is written on a piece of paper on a notepad by spectator, the paper is torn off unseen by the magician, crumpled up and placed in ashtray. It is then rubbed on the magicians arm and the name of the person written on the paper mysteriously appears.

-Preparation

You will need a small notepad, pen, ashtray, lighter and a small piece of soap or wax.

-Method

The spectator is asked to write the name of a person or favorite anything of theirs on a notepad. Then to tear of the sheet of notepaper, crumple it up and place it the ashtray, where the magician then sets the paper light. The magician takes the notepad of the spectator and should be able to see the imprint of the name written on the paper above in the next sheet of the notepad. Looking at the pad should not be made obvious and some misdirection carried out while he carefully takes the small piece of wax or soap and writes the name on the imprint on his arm or hand (this will not be visible to anyone). The magician can then take some ash from the ashtray an rub it over the wax where it will stick and create an impression of the spectator’s word to their amazement. See the included real Player movie demonstrating how to perform this illusion. This is a great trick but depends on the magician creating an atmosphere with an entertaining routine and patter about black magic to enhance the effect and create misdirection to allow him time to pull of the trick.

Fly resurrection

-Effect

You’re walking down street and casually pick any spectator. You ask them to come with you to nearby car and pick a dead fly off the windscreen. You hold it in your hand a few passes with the other hand appear to be really concentrating, while the fly slowly comes back to life, to the surprise of the spectator.

-Preparation

Freeze the fly

-Method

You need to catch a fly and freeze it, which puts it in a temporary coma, swatting the fly hard enough to immobilize it then placing it in small container in the freezer can do this. The fly then needs to be quickly taken to a suitable windscreen in the shade and placed there. it is important that the car is in the shade to prevent the fly from defrosting too quickly. Then go and find a spectator and take them back to the car, which should appear to be randomly picked. The heat of you’re hand will revive the fly, which should soon start to move. A lot of this trick is in the actions of reviving the fly, it may be necessary to practice how long it takes for the fly o revive it self. Freezing the fly with dry ice or even one of these aerosol canned air products for cleaning computers is a better way of freezing the fly as it is quicker and causes less damage to the fly

MAGIC U CAN DO IT

Twisting arm illusion

-Description

After asking a spectator to copy the action of you putting your hand on the table, you are able to twist you arm a full 360 degrees while others look at you in disbelief.

-Preparation
A long sleeve shirt , everything else impromptu.

-Secret move
On the table, have your fingers pointing towards your body. This may seem a bit uncomfortable, but the effect is well worth it, now, you should have your fingers pointing to the left, now turn your palm up (still having the fingers pointing left) but keep turning the hand over the same way until it is face down again.

With a long sleeve shirt, it looks as if your hand is just turned sideways to the left (in reality, it’s twisted 270 degrees to the right).

-Method
Hand on the table (or sidewalk… wherever you want to perform). Tell him to do exactly what you’re doing and start slowly twisting your arm COUNTERCLOCKWISE. When your fingers start to point to the left, distract him from what you’re doing and say something like “you’re doing it wrong; do exactly what I’m doing!” or “maybe you should back up a bit to get a better view of my directions.”

What that, point to his hand or push him away a bit with your other hand, and do the secret move while his eyes are concentrated on himself. When you have the secret move done, it’s a simple matter of him trying to do what you’re doing again. But little does he know you’re simply un-twisting your arm instead of twisting it like him-self.

By putting a plastic cup or hard cellophane tucked under your armpit, you can make a bone crunching noise by pressing gently as you twist your arm to add to the effect.

Cigarette through the coin trick

David Blaine again used this impressive trick where he pushed a cigarette through a quarter.

This trick is uses a very clever gimmicked coin where the middle temporarily opens to let the cigarette through and later close so hole is virtually invisible to the spectator.

This coin is available through good magic suppliers, and often on ebay.

Psycho kinetic time

-Effect

David Blaine did this trick on second national TV special. A watch is borrowed; the magician does not carry anything! After showing the watch to those nearby who notice the current time, you place the watch face down in the spectator’s hand. His hand is closed over the watch. The magician does not touch the watch again. The magician then asks the spectator to name a number and then to concentrate on that number and the watch. He opens his hand, turns over the watch and sees that the hands of the hands of the watch have moved that many minutes! This trick does not require any gimmicks.

-Props

Someone wearing an analogue watch ( a watch with an long stem that’s easy to manipulate quickly).

-Preparation

You need to wear a watch of your own with the wrong time.

-Method

Ask your victim for his watch with an excuse like, “I think my time is wrong can I see yours for a second.”

Borrow the watch for a minute and examine it look at it, state what the time it has, and say, “is this the right time, I need to know.”

Now glance at the time on your watch, and draw attention to it by setting its time. While them looking at you, set the time on your watch. Your other hand is moving their stem so THEIR time moved forward 25 minutes. Now have them sandwich their between their hands, and ask them to pick a number from 10 through 30. Most people will pick 25 If they pick 20, they won’t notice it’s off by five minutes when you reveal that the hands of their watch have moved forward in time….if they pick something below that number, tell them to make it harder, and pick a higher number. It gets them every time… just remember to give a great patter when doing this trick.

-Tips

I recommend trying to do this on nervous or shy people so they don’t know what you’re doing. The key to this trick is misdirection, but it’s very easy to get caught.

Card trough window

-Effect

The performer asks the spectator to pick a card without him seeing the face and replace it in the pack. The pack is then shuffled and the performer is apparently unsuccessful in locating the card. After few attempts, the cards are thrown against a window in a fit rage, on looking at the window; the chosen card is seen to be sticking to it, even more surprising is the fact that the card is on of the window.

-Preparation

You will need two identical packs of cards and a willing helper.

-Method

This trick should be performed in an area with a large window nearby and with the spectator facing away from the window. The spectator is asked to choose a card form a pack, memories it an without showing you, replace the card in the pack. The pack is then shuffled and a couple of attempts “is this your card” tried followed by a look of disbelief when the spectator tells you that it is not their card (this is all part of the act as you don’t and don’t even need to know the card).after a few attempts you fake an angry outburst and making sure the cards are squared up, throw the pack broadside at the window, where they will hit the window and fall to the ground except the chosen card, which is sticking to the window. Your helper was already positioned behind window and spectator and had an identical pack of cards. He was able to see the chosen card and took the duplicate form his pack. A small piece looped sticky tape or magicians wax was attached to the duplicate card and it was stuck to the inside of the window. This trick creates a real surprise but it is important to pick up the fallen cards quickly and to pocket the original chosen card.

Ace shakes

This trick was performed in David Blaine’s second special where he made the spectator sign a card, the card was put back in the pack and was made to appear from between two aces.

-Secret

Give the spectator, the two red aces and tell them to hold them. Fan out the deck spectator to touch a card. Square the deck up leaving their card stuck out to be signed and shown. This is because you secretly put into” palm position” when you square up the deck so you can easily palm the card when you want to. It must stick out of the lower corner of the pack meeting your inner thumb. Let them sign the card and hand them the deck, secretly palming their card. After they are convinced that the card is well lost in the deck, ask for the two aces and sandwich the face down palmed card between the aces, showing only the aces face up. Tell them to hold the deck openly and start to shake the aces over the pack, tell them to watch their card rise from deck into the two aces, shake a little more loosely and the card will appear to their amazement.

CERITA LUCU YANG KATRO 2

SELINGKUH
Seorang pria curhat tentang istrinya kepada pria temannya.
Pria I : Aku kecewa dengan istriku, dia pasip banget kalau bermain cinta denganku.
Pria II : Ah bohong kamu, kemaren malam waktu dia tidur sama aku, istrimu agresip banget !.
Pria I : ???????????.


Batuna Mardalani Bulungna Mangkarati
Karena di kampung tidak ada pekerjaan, berangkatlah si Togar dari Tarutung menuju Jakarta.
Di dalam bus kelas ekonomi yang tidak ada toiletnya itu merasa perutnya sangat sakit (maaf mau buang air). Karena tidak kuat menahannya berteriaklah Togar kepada Supir...
"Pir..., pinggir pir sakit perutku...!" lalu Supir memberhentikan bus tersebut. Togar segera turun dari Bus dan lari ke kali yang kebetulan mengalir di pinggir jalan.
Ketika masuk ke kali, Togar jongkok di dua batu hitam membuang hajatnya. Togar tidak sadar batu yang diinjak tersebut adalah kura-kura kecil yang hidup di sungai.
Karena diinjak kura-kura berjalan dan kagetlah Togar, "Waduh...apa ini ?" Togar ketakutan dan langsung menyudahi hajatnya... dengan mengelap pantatnya dengan daun. Karena daun yang dibuat jadi pengelap juga adalah daun yang gatal (lateng) menjeritlah Togar... sambil berlari meninggalkan sungai itu.
Sesampai di Bus togar dengan wajah ketakutan berteriak ke Supir " Cepat jalan Pir, Daerah ini mengerikan Batuna Mardalani Bulungna Mangkarati..." (Batunya bisa jalan daun menggigit).


KEABISAN RAMBUT
Ada seorang pemuda plontos menghampiri seorang cewek berambut coklat lalu sang pemuda berkata "neng,kok rambutnya coklat kehabisan shampo ya?"
Karena jengkel sang cewek berkata"mendingan gue kehabisan shampo dari pada kamu kehabisan rambut"


JAWABANNYA SAMA
Peternak kambing di tanya seorang mahasiswa.
"Pak, sehari kambingnya bisa menghasilkan berapa liter susu?"
"Kambing yang hitam apa putih?" pemiliknya balik tanya.
"Yang hitam, Pak"
"Yang hitam 10 liter"
"Kalau yang putih?"
"Ya sama"
Penanya agak heran. Tapi dia tetap tanya lagi.
"Kalau disembelih berapa kira-kira dagingnya, Pak?"
"kambing yang hitam apa putih?"
"Yang hitam"
"Kira-kira 15 kg"
"Kalau yang putih?"
"Ya samaa".
Penanya mulai marah dan berkata:
"Bapak ini gimana sih. Ditanya bener-bener jawabnya seenaknya.."
"Ee masalahnya begini, dik. Sabar..sabar" Kata pemilik kambing menyabarkan si penanya..
" Masalahnya kambing yang hitam itu punya saya.."
"Kalau yang putih?"
"Ya sama!"


MENGHARUKAN SEKALI
Saat kamu menangis tak satupun melihat tangismu, saat kamu tertawa tak satupun melihat tawamu, tapi pada saat kamu kentut semua menoleh kepadamu mengharukan sekali.


BERSAMA-SAMA
Dua orang wanita sedang panik karena apartemen mereka yang berada di
lantai 12 terbakar. Mereka lalu berlari menuju teras mereka untuk
meminta tolong.
"TOLONG ... TOLONG ... TOLONG!!" teriak salah satu wanita itu.
"Tolong kami ... tolong kami ...!!" teriak wanita yang satunya lagi.
Setelah berteriak seperti itu dan merasa belum ada hasil, salah satu
dari mereka mengusulkan, "Mungkin kalau kita teriak bersama baru akan
berhasil."
"Wah itu ide bagus ... mari kita coba."
Lalu mereka berteriak, "Bersama ... bersama ... bersama ...!!"


DAGING SIAP SANTAP
T (a) : Orang2 yang berjalan beriringan dihutan terutama disenja/malam hari, siapa yang beresiko tinggi diterkam harimau ?
J : Yang jalan paling belakang donggg.....
T (b) : Kalu didalam tenda, tidur 3 orang, yang mana calon dimangsa macan ?
J : Yang tidur ditengah-tengahlahhh.....
T (c) : Jika yang tidur ditenda itu hanya 2 orang bagaimana ? Dan apa alasannya ?
J : Pilihan "meong besar" itu jatuh pada yang tidur tanpa berpakaian alias ber-BUGIL-RIA, soalnya siloreng itu berpikiran sederhana : Inilah daging siap santap kesukaanku, aummm.....


BUNGANYA BAGUS-BAGUS
Kiki seorang pengangguran yang sehari-hari kerjaan hanya judi mabok dan malas-malasan, ia punya teman Garong kebetulan menang nebak judi angka. Garong mempunyai puluhan juta uang dan bingung mau nyimpan di mana itu uang.
Bagaimana kalau kita senang-senang dan mabok bareng cewek ujar kiki, "Itu gampang 'ki tapi saya mau nyimpan dulu ini uang karena terlampau banyak nich. ntar kita mabok lalu dirampok, kan runyam masalahnya" .
Garong : "Saya bingung milih bank Mega atau bank Tata atau Bank BCA"
Kiki : "Kok bingung bagusan luu ngikuti gua aja, itu uang akan aman"
Garong : "Emangnya lu punya tabungan juga"
Kiki : "Belum tauu diaaa.."
Garong "Kamu itu punya tabungan dimana"
Kiki : "Bagus uang kamu ditabung di Bang Udin saja disana bunganya bagus-bagus dan seksi"
Garong : "Payah luu.. 'ki, masa saya nabung sama germo itu"


PELIT NAN JOROK
Empat orang bersahabat makan siang semeja di rumah makan, dasar apes 4 gelas orange juice mereka dimasuki masing-masing seekor lalat (kongsi minum nih ye), kejadian boleh sama tapi reaksinya berbeda :
Badu minta pelayan membuang lalat termasuk jus-nya, lalu mengganti dengan gelas baru ;
Polan minta dibuang lalat dan jus, tapi tetap memakai gelas lama ;
Sape-i yang agak kikir, dengan sendoknya membuang lalat, lalu minum beberapa teguk sambil berkata enteng : "Sayang lho jus ini kalu dibuanggg....." ;
Sedangkan Penrok (PElit Nan joROK) dengan tenang tangannya memungut lalat itu, seraya berujar : "Aku sependapat denganmu Sape-i", selanjutnya dengan sigapnya minum sampai setengah gelas, lalu diakhiri dengan memasukan lalat itu kedalam mulutnya dibarengi ucapan : "tambah kenyang, kawan2....."


PENGARUH TELEVISI
Seorang anak memberitahukan temannya bahwa televisi dapat menimbulakan kekerasan.
Anak : Televisi memang menimbulkan kekerasan
Teman : Kenapa kamu bilang begitu
Anak : Karena setiap kali aku memutar tombolnya untuk memindahkan acara wawancara ke acara hiburan, maka ayah akan memukul pantatku sebanyak 5 kali


MACAM WONG
Macam-macam "WONG" menurut orang Cina:
1. tukang ramal : WONG KAM FU.
2. tukang kelahi : WONG FAI HUNG.
3. group musik : WONG PHI TOE.
4. gak mau susah : WONG SAN THAI


ISTRI MATI
Seorang suami tengah menunggui istrinya yang sedang sakit keras, yang sepertinya tidak akan mampu mempertahankan hidupnya beberapa saat lagi.
Mereka terlibat percakapan yang mengharukan-karena sesekali istrinya tampak tersengal-sengal saat mengucapkan kalimatnya,
Istri : "Kamu harus berjanji, akan selalu menjaga anak kita jika aku telah tiada kelak?"
Suami : "Aku berjanji." (dengan muka tampak lelah)
Istri : "Kamu harus berjanji, bahwa semua akan selalu berjalan baik-baik saja meski aku telah tiada."
Suami : "Aku berjanji."
Istri : "Kamu harus berjanji tidak akan mencari penggantiku sebelum tanah kuburanku mengering."
Suami : (terdiam sejenak) "Aku berjanji."
Istri : "Dan kamu juga harus berjanji bahwa kamu akan menyirami kuburanku setiap hari...."
Dua orang perampok sedang asik beraksi di sebuah apartemen ketika tiba-tiba terdengar sirene mobil polisi.


Perampok
Perampok 1: "Hey, ada polisi! Ayo cepetan lompat jendela!"
Perampok 2: "Hah!!!...Tapi kita ada di lantai 13!"
Perampok 1: "Jadi elu percaya angka 13 itu sial? Udah deh, ayo lompat! Kita nggak ada waktu lagi buat ngurusin tahyul begituan!"
Perampok 2: ??#$!!


FOTOGRAFER
Seorang fotografer mendapat tugas dari editornya untuk mengambil gambar kebakaran hutan yang sedang terjadi di Kalimantan. Si fotografer segera berangkat ke lapangan terbang Pondok Cabe mencari pesawat ringan Cessna yang disewa kantornya.
Doi pun segera naik ke sebuah pesawat yang mesinnya sedang hidup.
"Woi, Mas! Buruan berangkat! Kita udah telat, nih!" teriak si fotografer pada seorang laki-laki yang duduk di kursi pilot. "Iya....iya...sabar, Pak," kata laki-laki itu gugup. Pesawat ringan itu kemudian mengudara dengan susah payah.
Sesampainya di atas wilayah udara Kalimantan, cuaca mendadak buruk dan penuh asap. "Mas, turunin pesawatnya sedikit, bikin manuver, aku mau ngambil gambar nih!" kata si fotografer. "A...apa, Pak? Ngambil gambar??" tanya si lelaki.
"Iya.... Aku ini fotografer udara!" .
"Apaaaa??? Fotografer??? Jadi Bapak bukan instruktur terbang yang mau ngajarin saya cara mendarat?!!!"


BUANDEL BANGET
Ini cerita dari temen saya, katanya ada pemuda di desanya yang bandel banget, dan paling suka ngebut pakai motor. Semua orang sudah memperingatkan dia agar hati-hati sebab di salah satu tikungan ada tiang listrik yang posisinya berbahaya bagi pengendara. Tapi dasar Badel dia tidak menggubris omongan tersebut. Pas hari naasnya dia, tuh tiang listrik bener-bener ketubruk dia. Beberapa orang berdatangan untuk membantu dia termasuk Pak RW.
Pak RW : "Makanya jangan suka ngebut! inikan jadinya"
Si Naas yang sedang dipapah malah menjawab.
"Nggak Pak RW, sebenarnya sudah lama tiang listrik itu saya incar, tapi baru kali ini kenanya!"
"Duasar Buandelllll!!!" teriak Pak RW.


NYEBUT PAK
Menjelang 17 Agustus seperti sekarang ini biasanya masyarakat diseluruh kota di Indonesia merayakan HUT RI dengan mengadakan Upacara. Begitu juga dengan kabupaten Sekayu di kota Palembang.menjelang persiapan tersebut ada seorang warga yang bernama Pak Udin yang mengajukan diri untuk membaca teks Pancasila padahal dia itu buta hurup tapi dengan soknya dia bicara dengan Pak Lurah kalau dia sudah belajar membaca dan ingin menunjukkan pada masyarakat kalau dia sudah bisa membaca.
Menjelang hari upacara tersebut sang pembaca acara memanggil Pak Udin untuk maju kedepan untuk membacakan teks Pancasila tersebut, maka.majulah Pak Udin dengan gagah dan sok dan mulai membaca dengan keras..
Pancasila ...
1. Bintang persegi lima ( Karena sila ke 1 bergambar bintang )
2. Rantai umak kite ( Ibu kita )
3. Pohon beringin banyak hantunye
4. Banteng gile bertanduk due ( dua )
5. Padi makanan pokok kite dan kapas pembalut luke untuk wanite..
Pak Udin....nyebut dong!


TIDAK SADARKAN DIRI
Sebuah mobil ambulance yang sedang mengantar jenazah mengalami kecelakaan di Jalan Tol. Seorang reporter melaporkan:
Telah terjadi kecelakaan di Jl. Tol Jagorawi KM 25, sebuah mobil ambulance yang tengah mengantar jenazah, pecah ban dan terguling hingga beberapa ratus meter.
Sopir mobil ambulance mengalami luka yang cukup serius, sementara penumpang ambulance yang berada dibelakang tidak mengalami luka sedikit pun hanya tidak sadarkan diri hingga laporan ini diturunkan!"


CEWEK CEKATAN
Pada suatu sore, dua orang sahabat menceritakan kehebatan seorang bunga kampus yang mereka idolakan.
Hanses : Si Mirna memang cewek yang paling lincah plus cekatan di antara cewek-cewek lain yang pernah gua kenal!"
Alan : Kenapa elo bisa ngomong begitu?
Hanses : Soalnya tiga kali gue deketin dia,tiga kali pula dompet gue hilang!


BERSIHIN WC
Pada suatu pagi seorang pembantu menanyakan masalah kepada majikannya : "Bu apa sih yang di kerjakan dokter kandungan?", sang majikanpun menjawab : "Biasa, seperti membersihkan lubang-lubang". Maksudnya? "Iyyaa, seperti lubang tempat kamu keluar!". Oooo, kayak pada saat keluar WC dia membersihkan kloset, lantai dan lain-lainnya...!!!!


CALON PENGANGGURAN
Dua pemuda yang baru saja diwisuda dari Universitas Harvard bercakap-
cakap dengan sangat antusias, penuh semangat, dan bangga sembari masuk
ke dalam sebuah taksi di kota Boston.
Kedua pemuda itu membicarakan mengenai perusahaan-perusahaan besar
yang akan mereka masuki untuk bekerja dan pasti banyak perusahaan yang
menginginkan lulusan Harvard.
Sopir taksi yang mendengar percakapan kedua pemuda tadi bertanya,
"Apakah kalian baru lulus dari Harvard?"
"Ya, Bang! Kami lulusan 2003," jawab mereka berdua dengan bangga.
Si sopir lalu mengulurkan tangannya mengajak mereka bersalaman sambil
berkata, "Wah sama donk ... aku lulusan 1990"


NGGA MENGGIGIT
Pada suatu malam seorang tukang ojek mengendarai ojeknya dengan kecepatan tinggi dan tiba-tiba saja polisi menghadangnya dan berkata;
Polisi : hei, berhenti! Mana SIM kamu ?
Tukang ojek : aduh... kebetulan pak saya ngakk bawa tuh!
Polisi : (polisi langsung memukul tukang ojek dan berkata) dasar tukang ojek !
Tukang ojek : aduh, pak jangan karna bapak itu polisi lalu senaknya mukul orang dong ! Semut merah aja menggigit, kalo diganggu !!!
Polisi : (sambil menodongkan pistol ) terus kamu mau apa hah !!
Tukang ojek : ah, enggak kok pak saya ini kan semut item jadi nggak akan menggigit kok pak !!!
Polisi : ?!?!??!?


KENAKALAN REMAJA
Sepasang kakek nenek ngebut naik sepeda motor di jalan raya.
Tapi tak lama kemudian mereka ditangkap polantas dan ditilang.Polisi itu kemudian bertanya:" Kenapa bapak ngebut?".Sang kakek itu pun tertawa sambil menjawab:"Biasa,pak! Kenakalan remaja.
Polisi:???


KAMU GILA YA
Seorang cowok Irlandia berlibur ke Inggris. Dan yang pertama kali ingin dicobanya adalah naik bus tingkat merah khas London. Saat bus datang, si cowok Irlandia langsung dengan semangat naik ke tingkat 2, tapi kemudian turun lagi dengan terburu-buru.
"Hei, kenapa kau tidak duduk di atas ?" Seru si kondektur.
"Kamu gila, ya ? Disana nggak ada supirnya !"


WONG MEDAN
Pada satu hari ada seorang pria Medan membeli es dawet di sebuah warung di Djogja.
Pembeli : Permisi,saya ingin beli dawet.
Penjual : Sampun telas.
Pembeli : Ndak papa ndak usah pakai gelas.
Penjual : Mboten wonten..!!
Pembeli : Ndak papa ndak usah pakai santen.
Penjual : Dasar wong edan!!
Pembeli : Lho kok tahu saya orang Medan??
Penjual : ??!


HISAP
Kenapa nyamuk bunyinya Nguing x2...?
Karena yang dihisapnya darah....
Coba yang dihisapnya SUSU, Pastilah bunyinya :NYOT...NYOT..NYOT...!?!


SLAMET-SLAMET
Ada dua anak yang main tebak-tebakan:
Anak 1 :kalo sapi naik truk trus truknya ngebut kakinya tinggal berapa
Anak 2 : ya masih 4 dong
Anak 1 : salah yang bener tinggal 2
Anak 2 : kok tinggal 2
Anak 1 : masalahnya yang 2 buat pegangan,takut jatuh
Anak 2 : sekarang kalo truknya ngerem mendadak kakinya tinggal berapa
Anak 1 : nggak tau
Anak 2 : bego loe. terang aja masih 3
Anak 1 : kok gitu
Anak 2 : masalahnya yang satu buat ngelus dada sambil bilang amin slamet-slamet
Anak 1 : sialan loe ...


7 AL UNTUK PRIA
Pria idaman harus punya 7AL
1. Kantong tebAL
2. Tenaga handAL
3. Rezeki halAL
4. Rumah mahAL
5. Mobil carnivAL
6. Tangan brutAL
7. "Daging" kenyAL


PANJENENGAN SINTEN NGGIH ???
Mbah Ngadekan orangnya sangat kolot,suatu saat ia menghadiri selamatan dan duduk membelakangi almari yang ada cerminnya. Ketika Mbah Ngadekan menoleh kebelakang ia melihat ada orang yang juga menoleh kearahnya. Saat ia tersenyum orang itu juga ikut tersenyum akhirnya ia memberanikan diri untuk menyapa "..maap panjenengan niku sinten nggih....?"


WONG NDESO
Seorang pemuda lugu datang ke Jakarta, setelah tiba di Jl. Thamrin dia melihat bis bertingkat, lalu dia berkata kepada temannya sedaerah
"Wah kayaknya jakarta ini harus dirubah mentalnya...mosok sampai bis saja bisa berzinah dijalanan


MALU HATI
Ada anak kecil sedang bermain di hutan yg dimana ada jalan setapak yang dikelilingi pohon2 besar. Dia buang air terus dia naruh uang lima ratus rupiah di dekat "kotoran"nya...Terus di jalan itu ada yang mo lewat... anak itu langsung aja naek ko pohon yang ada di dekat "kotoran" & uang tersebut.. Lalu si bapak dari kejauhan udah lihat uang lima ratus tersebut... kebetulan bapa ini udah lama ngga merokok, pada saat udah mo dekat uang dan "kotoran" ..bapak ini tunduk mau ngambil uang lima ratus tadi...pada saat dia mo ambil..si anak kecil tadi yang diatas pohan menegur bapak ini....
..pa' itu khan uang ku masa mo di ambil...lalu bapa ini jawab pada anak kecil tadi...gga' ko siapa yang mo ngambil uang kamu.... aku khan mo ngambil "kotoran"....lalu bapak itu mengambil "kotoran" itu lalu diisi di saku celananya terus dia langsung pergi...kerena malu pada anak kecil itu....


BOHONG
Sepasang suami istri mengunjungi lembah yang disebut Lembah Gema, konon bisa memantulkan suara 10X lebih kuat dari aslinya. Si istri menyuruh suaminya mencoba. Suaminya mencibir, "kurasa ini bohong, tapi akan kucoba." Lantas si suami teriak, "BOHONG !" Tapi suaranya tidak terpantul. "Nah, apa kubilang ?" Katanya. Istrinya mendesak. "Coba sekali lagi." Maka si suami teriak lagi, "AKU LAKI-LAKI PALING TAMPAN DI DUNIAA !" Mendadak terdengar gema teriakannya yang pertama, "BOHONG !"


MELELEH
Kita seorang missionaris ke Irian Jaya dia berbicara tentang keadilan Tuhan tiba - tiba seorang jemaat yang nota bene orang asli suku Asmat nyeletuk.
Pak kata orang Irian tersebut Tuhan itu tidak adil
Missionaris ; alasannya
Suku asmat : buktinya tuhan hanya menciptakan satu Matahari sedangkan bintang banyak sekali yang Tuhan ciptakan itukan tidak adil.
Missionaris : Dengan tersenyum dia berkata kalem : " Sedangkan Tuhan menciptakan satu Matahari kalian sudah hangus seperti ini ( Orang Irian Maksudnya ) bagaimana kalau ada dua atau tiga Matahari kalian barangkali meleleh.......


PELAKUNYA BRAM
Seorang pramuria cafe hamil lalu melahirkan.
Lalu ditanya siapa bapaknya dia
jawab BRam. Kenapa BRAM ?
Jawabnya...... Bramei-ramei


MUKJIZAT SETIAP HARI
Tersebar berita bahwa di sebuah Panti Jompo sering terjadi mukjizat.
Warga kota berbondong-bondong datang berkunjung sambil berharap dapat
menyaksikan mukjizat di panti jompo tersebut. Seorang kaya yang telah
berhari-hari menunggu di tempat itu hampir putus asa karena tidak ada
mukjizat apa pun, padahal ia sudah mengeluarkan banyak uang untuk
biaya penginapan. Dengan sedikit rasa dongkol, ia mengeluh kepada
seorang kakek, salah seorang penghuni panti jompo itu.
"Kakek, sudah lama tinggal di sini?"
"Sudah, Cu!"
"Kakek pernah mengalami mukjizat?"
"Setiap hari!"
"Ah, mana mungkin? Kakek jangan bohong!"
"Mau bukti? Dengar, nak! Setiap kali kakek bangun tidur, kakek pasti
mengalami mukjizat! Banyak teman kakek setelah tidur tidak bangun-
bangun lagi!"


JANGAN-JANGAN ??
Seorang kakek tengah duduk di bangku taman sambil menikmati indah nya hari. Tiba-tiba datang seorang anak muda yang bergaya punk duduk disebelahnya.
Rambut anak muda itu dicat warna kuning dan hijau, sementara rambut-rambut yang berdiri dicat oranye dan ungu. Disekeliling matanya dikasih warna hitam.
Kakek-kakek itu bengong menatap si anak muda punk.
Merasa tergangu oleh tatapan si kakek, si anak muda punk bertanya : "Eh kek.. kenapa liat-liat ? Emangnya dulu waktu muda enggak pernah lihat yang gila-gilaan kayak gini ya ".
Setelah menarik napas dalam si kakek menjawab : "Tentu saja pernah... Dulu aku pernah mabuk berat, dan ketika mabuk itulah aku memerkosa seekor burung kakaktua. Aku lagi bertanya-tanya, jangan-jangan kamu adalah anakku".
Anak punk : " Ha...@@#!!.


PERCUMA
Pertemanan antara orang Amerika (Becky) dan orang Purworejo (Bowo), terjadi dialog :
Bowo : (Nyetel tape recorder puter lagu barat), Beck, tahu lagu ini?
Becky : nggak tahu ! Tuh lagu lama
Bowo : Nah kalau lagu yang ini (ganti kaset)
Becky : Aduh apa yah ! (Nggak tahu)
Bowo : Coba kalau yang ini (ganti kaset lagi)
Becky : ehmmmm, iihhh gua lupa tuh!
Bowo : nah ini lagu apaan (ganti kaset lagi)
Becky : wah gua nggak inget
Bowo : (Jenggkel kok pillon banget tuh Bule)Kamu nich gimana, percuma jadi orang Amerika


KELILIPAN
pada suatu ketika terlihat dua lelaki sedang bercakap-cakap ,kebetulan salah satu dari lelaki itu baru saja menjadi ayah atas anak pertamanya
lelaki 1:"aku heran mengapa sih bayi yang lahir selalu menangis ?"
lelaki 2:"mungkin karena matanya kelilipan." jawabnya dengan santai


PROMOSI
Isteri seorang pengacara meninggal. Di pemakaman, orang-orang
dikejutkan dengan nisan yang bertuliskan,
"Grace, Isteri dari Pengacara Phillips,
Pengacara untuk urusan Perceraian, Pidana, Perdata,
dan Urusan Hukum Lainnya."
Tiba-tiba, Phillips menangis terisak-isak. Saudaranya berkata,
"Menangislah, agar orang betul-betul tahu kalau kau sangat kehilangan
istrimu!"
Dengan airmata yang masih berlinang di pipinya, Phillips berkata,
"Mengapa mereka sama sekali tidak mencantumkan nomor telepon dan
alamat e-mailku di batu nisan itu?"


ADA KAMAR PASNYA NYA ?
Suatu hari seorang pengemis datang ke rumah orang kaya dan mengucapkan "asalamualaikum", lalu nyonya rumah menjawab, "wa alaikumsalam", terus nyonya rumah memberikan pakaian bekasnya kepada pengemis itu , dan pengemis itu mengambil pakaian itu sambil berkata, ada kamar pasnya nyonya?.


CREDIT CARD MADE IN IRAK
Sebagai bentuk solidaritas untuk IRAk, gantilah kartu kredit AMERICAN EXPRESS (AMEX) anda dengan IREX (IRAK EXPRESS).


GUNA TANGAN CEWEK
Plethuk : Apa Bedanya Daun Pepaya sama Tanggannya Cewek ???
Cemet : Nggak Tahu ??
Plethuk : Kalo Daun pepaya gunanya untuk melunakkan daging kalo tangannya cewek gunanya untuk mengeraskan daging .
Cemet : Resek lo !!!


ORANG JAKARTA NYALINYA KECIL
ada orang madura yang masih lugu datang ke Jakarta. Dia menenteng golok dan memakai baju hitam.
Pada suatu hari ia pergi ke perkantoran di kawasan Sudirman untuk mencari anaknya yang menjadi manajer dengan tempat kerja di lantai 13 dan ia berusaha mengingat ngingat bagaimana caranya setelah sampai kekantor tersebut, yaitu: masuk lift dan memencet tombol 13.
Lalu dilakukannya seperti itu, akan tetapi sebelum masuk lift ia melepas sandalnya yang terbuat dari ban karet bekas yang tebal, kemudian masuk lift dan memencet tombol 13.
Setelah akhirnya sampai di lantai 13, dia kaget bukan kepalang karena sandalnya tidak ada dan akhirnya dia marah-marah, sampai mukanya merah dan dia mengeluarkan goloknya yang besar itu.
Madura: Bener-bener orang Jakarta nggak bisa dipercaya, baru sendal saja sudah diambil!!!
Tak lama kemudian datanglah Satpam untuk mengamankan orang Madura itu sambil menanyakan,
Satpam: Ada apa pak? kok sampai nenteng golok begitu?
Madura: Nih, sandal saya ilang sama orang jakarta!
Laaa... sebelum saya masuk lift saya copot, eh setelah keluar dari lift kok ilang!
Satpam(Sambil mendorong orang madura masuk lift): Begini saja pak, Bapak masuk lift lagi dan pencet tombol nomor 1.
Setelah itu orang madura masuk lift, kemarahannya masih belum sirna. dan lift terbuka dilantai 1, begitu lift terbuka orang madura kaget melihat sandalnya ada didepan pintu lift, sembari memasukkan golok ke sarungnya dan nyengir kuda berkatalah ia: "Benar-benar orang jakarta nyalinya kecil, baru dikeluarkan golok saja sendal sudah dikembalikan!!!"


PERCUMA
Di sebuah restoran.
Tamu : Hai bung, daging ini terlalu keras, tak bisa di makan. Coba panggil majikanmu.!
Pelayan : Tak ada gunanya, Pak. Dia juga tak mau memakannya.
Tuan :..?!?!?


RESLETING KEBUKA
Suatu hari di mikrolet cuman ada seorang gadis and seorang jaka.
Gadis: Bang...(dengan mesra)
Bang...
(si Jaka jual mahal, kagak nyahut di panggilin ama tuh cewek)
Gadis: bang retsletingnya kebuka.
Jaka:&^%%$$$%%$


ORANG UDIK
Suatu sore di daerah Kuta Bali, Iin dan sanak familinya lagi mencari alamat saudaranya yang mempunya sebuah Hotel disitu.
Setelah menjelang malam,barulah ketemu alamat yang diberikan saudaranya itu. Tapi!!!!! setelah sampai di tempat tujuan! semuanya pada kaget,dan berdecak khagum :
Iin : Onde mande!!!rancak bana (Aduhh!!!Bagus sekali)
Mami Tati: Nggak di sangka Datuk sudah kayorayo di rantau!!
Mami Tati: Kenapa setiap pilarnya disarungin kain kotak2??
Iin : Itu biar nga masuk angin,kalau masuk angin nanti tiang penyanggahnya(pilar)kentut, bersin-bersin khan bisa roboh!!!


PEMBUNUH MACAN
Seorang yang sok jagoan bercerita ke temannya dengan penuh semangat [bergebu-gebu]
si "SOK": eh kemarin aku bertemu dgn Harimau buas di hutan ketika aku mencari kayu bakar.Pas aku melihat harimau
itu,langsung aku peluk badannya.aku hajar dia dan kemudian aku tebas ekornya.
temen nya : "hah.. kenapa tidak kepalanya aja yang kau tebas?"
si "SOK" :[dengan berbisik]..huss...kepalanya sudah tidak ada lagi..!!
teman nya: ?"!@#$%#%^#%


SIAPA NAMA SUPIRNYA ?
Ada dua orang sahabat lagi tebak2an
Luqman : Zid...coba tebak kalo seumpama ada bis jurusan Semarang-Solo dari terminal ngangkut 30 penumpang lalu di dr.Cipto naik 9 orang di Jatingaleh naik 4 orang turun 7 orang, lalu di Srondol naik 3 orang turun 2 orang, di Bawen turun 5 orang naik 1 orang, lalu di Salatiga turun 10 orang dan di Solo turun 10 orang
Zidni : ?????.... berarti masih 23 orang
Luqman : salah ! wong pertanyaannya siapa nama sopir bus itu ?
Zidni : *&^$@##$%$%......&&!!!!!!">*&^$@##$%$%......&&!!!!!!


LOHA
Dirumah Amir ada Pembantu baru yang udik banget. Namanya Mbok Siti.
Pada suatu pagi ada telephone berdering di ruang tamu.
Karena semua orang dirumah sedang sarapan pagi, terpaksa yang mengangkat telephone adalah Pembantu kami.
Suara Telephone : Kring ..... Kring .....
Mbok Siti : Hallo.... Hallo ......
Pada saat itu kebetulan si Amir melihat bahwa Pembantu tersebut terbalik memegang gagang telephone.
Amir : Mbok Sini telephonnya terbalik.
Mbok Siti : Oh Terbalik toh, kalau begitu Loha.... Loha ...
Amir : &$#%*#@&$^%@&$*?
Maksudnya Amir, Gagang telephonenya yang terbalik bukan suaranya yang terbalik.

CERITA LUCU YANG KATRO 1

3 Suami Stress
         Tersebutlah tiga orang suami di salah satu departemen di kantor pusat Jakarta. Pak Dadang, pak Hartoyo,dan pak Rahman. Ketiganya sudah saling kenal sejak mereka masih kuliah di salah satu PTN ternama di Republik ini. Mereka masing-masing berasal dari daerah yang berbeda. Pak Dadang bersuku sunda, pak Hartoyo asli jawa solo, serta pak Rahman yang berdarah campuran arab-madura.
Kedekatan mereka dengan kalangan keluarga istana kepresidenan, membuat mereka bertiga ditempatkan di lantai 81, lantai tertinggi bangunan gedung tersebut.
Begitu tingginya bangunan kantor itu, sehingga sudah hampir 4 tahun berjalan mereka selalu makan siang bersama di salah satu sudut ruangan di lantai-81 itu. Mereka selalu membawa bekal sendiri. Dan siang itu mereka menyantap bekal siang masing-masing sambil ngobrol.
Hartoyo : "Aku mulai bosan dengan bekal makan siangku. Selalu nasi goreng yang ini-ini saja."
Dadang : "Saya juga Har. Tiap siang selalu makan siomay. Muak rasanya!"
Rahman : "Ana juga! Selalu roti dengan lapisan coklat! Ayah ana Arab, bukan Eropa!!"
Hartoyo : "Kita harus utarakan ini pada istri kita di rumah. Mereka harusnya bisa sedikit lebih mengerti perasaan suami..."
Dadang : "...dan membuat menu yang variatif!"
Rahman : "setuju!!"
Dadang : "Kalau begitu malam nanti kita masing-masing ungkapkan hal ini kepada istri kita. Bagaimana?"
Hartoyo : "Kalau besok masih tetap sama seperti hari ini..?"
Rahman : "Ana ada usul,.. kita loncat dari gedung ini, lewat jendela darurat di ujung!" (sambil menunjuk ke salah satu jendela di sudut ruangan)
Dadang : "Ok! Biar mereka tahu rasa jika harus hidup tanpa kita!"
Hartoyo : "Baiklah,.. aku setuju juga. Kita buktikan perhatian dan kepedulian mereka."
Sore itu di pintu lift lantai dasar, mereka masih saling mengingatkan akan janji mereka untuk keesokan harinya.
Malam Jakarta diguyur hujan. Sebagian besar penduduk memilih diam di rumah, sambil bersiap cemas menghadapi kemungkinan banjir.
Keesokan paginya, ketiga pejabat kita berangkat dari rumah dinas masing-masing dengan perasaan cemas. Jika istri mereka tidak mengindahkan percakapan semalam, ini adalah hari terakhir untuk mereka bertiga.
Dan saat makan siang yang mendebarkan itu datanglah...
Hartoyo : "Adakah diantara kita yang mengintip isi bekal sebelumnya??"
Rahman : "Tidak!"
Dadang : "Saya juga tidak."
Hartoyo : "Kalau begitu bisa kita mulai.." (sambil menarik napas dalam)
Dadang : "Saya duluan saja, saya percaya istri saya masih mau mendengar tiap keluhan suaminya."
Perlahan pak Dadang mambuka bungkus bekal makan siangnya, dan .....
Dadang : "...ah, siomay lagi......!"
Dengan bercucuran air mata dia memeluk kedua sahabatnya. Dan dia melompat dari jendela lantai-81,.. tewas seketika.
Hartoyo : "Giliranku Man..!" (sesaat kemudian)... "Uchh!! Nasi goreng lagi...!! Terkutuklah istriku!.. selamat tinggal.. "
dan loncatan yang indah mengakhiri hidup pak Hartoyo.
pak Rahman membuka bekalnya,.. dan menyusul nasib kedua sahabatnya. Ya, kotak bekal siangnya berisi sepotong roti berlapis coklat!
Suasana pemakaman yang mengharukan. Mereka dikuburkan berjajar, di taman pemakaman. Dengan tangis histeris istri-istri mereka. Ditengah isak tangis, ketiga istri itu saling menumpahkan penyesalan mereka.
Istri Dadang : "hampir 10 tahun selalu makan siang dengan siomay, kenapa sekarang jadi setragis ini? huu..huuu.." (menangis terisak)
Istri Hartoyo : "Nasi goreng adalah kegemarannya sejak kecil, saya dengar sendiri dari mendiang mertua saya! Hik.. ihikk.." (sambil mengusap airmata di pipi)
Istri Rahman : "... saya tidak habis pikir dengan cak rahman!! Dia menyiapkan bekal makan siangnya sendiri setiap pagi!!!" (sambil menggeleng, tanda tak habis mengerti)
Istri Hartoyo : ?????
Istri Dadang : ?????


OKLOK-OKLOK
Dua orang sahabat, Rasman dan Anda sehabis pulang kursus Inggris, main tebak-tebakan .
Rasman : Da . . jam 1 bahasa Inggrisnya apa
Anda : One O'clock
Rasman : Kalau jam 9.25
Anda : Nine, twentyfive
Rasman : Kalau jam rusak.
Anda : ? ? ? ? ? ?, susah ah . .
Rasman : Payah lo, masak gitun aja nggak tau.
Anda : Iye deh gue nyerah.
Rasman : Jawabannya adalah oklok . . . oklok.
Anda : ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? . . . . .


BELAJAR BAHASA ASING
Bumbu Masak = ajinomoto ( Jepang )
= tumbarmerejahe... ( India )

Bapak Hilang Dalam Perang = deddy miss war ( Inggris )

Bapak Istirahat = deddy do rest ( Inggris )

Orang Ambon Jalan Pelan = melky go slow ( Inggris )

Orang Ambon Melihat Bulan = gres see moon ( Inggris )


SEBENTAR DOMO
Domo udah terkenal pinter menggaet cewek, lama - lama Amir juga penasaran, pengen tau juga kiat Domo menggaet cewek.
Pada suatu hari Domo dipanggil Amir kemudian Amir bertanya : " Domo gimana sih, caranya untuk menggaet cewek itu ".
Lalu Domo ngasih tau kiatnya yaitu : " Kalo sore duduk-duduk di pinggir jalan, terus kalo ada cewek lewat disuit-suitin, suit-suit gitu ".
Pada suatu sore Amir duduk-duduk dibelakang rumah pengen mempraktekkan
trik itu, kebetulan Tina tunangan Amir lagi mandi di belakang rumah terus Tina denger ada orang siul-siul..suit-suit
Terus Tina teriak : " Sebentar Domo saya lagi mandi nich ... ? ? ? "
Amir : ...???


CABE RAWIT
Suatu ketika si Arnold Suasansegar, bintang film yang juga memiliki tubuh binaragawan, berkunjung ke Indonesia.
Di Indonesia dia pun berkunjung untuk membeli souvenir, termasuk juga buah-buahan. Dia mencari buah-buahan yang tidak terdapat di negaranya. Maka sampailah pada suatu toko buah.
Berhubung si penjual buah tidak bisa bahasa Inggris, maka si Arnold terpaksa menggunakan bahasa isyarat.
Arnold : "....fruit....this fruit....this big...." ( sambil mengangkat = tangan kanannya dan bergaya binaraga )
Penjual : "....ooh....maksudnya Melon..." ( si penjual mencarikan buah melon dan memberikannya ke Arnold )
Arnold : "....and another fruit.....big fruit and this size......." ( sambil menurunkan tangan kirinya dan bergaya binaraga lagi )
Penjual : "...ooh...buah semangka toh.....ada....." ( si penjual kemudian mencarikan sebuah buah semangka )
Kemudian terlintas di pikiran Arnold untuk membeli pisang.
Dengan susah payah dia menjelaskannya, tetapi tetap saja si penjual nggak ngerti-ngerti.
Akhirnya Arnold pun nekad membuka celananya dan menunjukkan " kepunyaannya " untuk menjelaskan si penjual tsb.
Arnold : ".....do you know banana fruit ? ......like this.....? ? ? "
Penjual : " ? ? ? .....wah..mas... mas .... maaf mas.....di sini nggak jual cabe rawit "


GORO-GOROMU
Kiki dan Iwan sedang JJS.
Kiki : " Wan, apa bahasa Jepangnya wanita hamil ? "
Iwan : " Buncit perutku. "
Kiki : " Salah yeeee..., yang benar 'Goro-goromu mas'. "


NYEWA ORANG
Suatu hari teman saya mau menyewa jas untuk sebuah acara. lalu ia mencari nomer telpon tempat peminjaman jas di suatu iklan di koran lokal.
A : "Halo?"
B : "Halo juga, siapa ya?"
A : " Emm.. Mbak bisa sewa gak?"
B : "Bolehlah, kenapa gak?"
A : "Tarifnya berapa Mbak?"
B : "Murah koq, cuma Rp. 50.000"
A : "Beneran nich mbak?"
B : "Benerlah, masak saya boong."
A : "Atas bawah ?"
B : "Iyalah, masak cuma tangan doang khan gak nikmat"
A : ??!! Maaf, mbak. Ini saya mau sewa jas untuk hari minggu besok, bayarnya di mana ya?"
B : "Apa mau nyewa jas?!! ini bukan tempat sewa jas, ini tempat nyewa orang, bilang dari tadi" (telpon dibanting).
A :????


PIPIS
Hari itu adalah hari yang istimewa. Bapak guru Jack (Guru sekolah Minggu) merayakan hari ulang tahunnya. Seperti biasanya, semua anak2 didiknya memberi selamat dan memberi hadiah ulang tahun.
Dengan senang bercampur haru, Pak jack menerima hadiah yang terbungkus indah dari Maria dan berkata, "Ah, saya tahu, Maria pasti menghadiahkan saya sebuah buku kan?" (Kebetulan ayah Maria mempunyai toko buku yang cukup besar di kota).
"Benar. Tapi bagaimana Bapak bisa tahu?"
"Saya selalu tahu semanya!"
"Dan kau Tommy, pasti menghadiahkan saya sebuah baju indah, kan?" tebak Bapak guru Jack sambil menerima bingkisan yang diberikan Tommy. (Kebetulan ayah Tommy adalah pedagang pakaian).
"Benar. Tapi bagaimana Bapak bisa tahu?" "Ah, bapak selalu tahu semuanya."

Demikianlah seterusnya...
Sekarang giliran hadiah Dodi. Hadiahnya berat. Kertas pembungkusnya pun bagus. Namun sayang ada bagian yang basah. Bp. Jack mengangkat hadiah pemberian Dodi. Pak Jack meraba-raba bagian keras pembungkus hadiah yang basah dan mencoba menebak,

"Saya tahu, kau pasti menghadiahkan saya sebotol sirup anggur dan menumpahkannya sediki!" (Kebetulan ayah Dodi penjual minuman2 sirup)
"Salah," kata Dodi, "Bukan sirup anggur."
"Kalau begitu pasti sirup rasa jeruk kan?"
"Salah lagi," sahut Dodi tersenyum.
Jari2 Pak Jack basah. ia mencium kemudian menjilat salah satu jarinya yang basah dan mencoba menebak kembali, "Sepertinya sirup rasa mangga muda?"
"Masih salah," seru Dodi, "Saya menghadiahkan Bapak seekor anak anjing.. hi hi hi!"


KLEPON PECAH
Pada suatu hari pak haji diminta memimpin sebuah acara tahlilan pada saat itu pak haji melihat makanan yg di hidangkan dan melihat kue kesuka'an nya(KLEPON).

Pada saat itu acara sudah di mulai Pak haji dengan kecepatan tangan nya menggambil kue itu dan disembunyikan dipecinya lalu ada seorang jama'ah tahlil bertanya pada pak haji.
Jama'ah : pak haji apa yang menonjol di peci anda???
Pak haji: bukan apa2 kok
Jama'ah : kok berdarah????
Pak haji menjawab(dengan nada tahlil): bukan darah klepon pecah,bukan darah klepon pecah,bukan darah klepon pecah
(maafin ye ini cuma joke)


MLEBU KB
Seorang Madura mengeluh pada Bidan saat mengantar istrinya yang hamil ke 9 kalinya.
Bidan : Sampeyan kudu mlebu KB, pak !!!
Mdr : Lho, wis mlebu kabeh, sampe sa-endok-endok-e
taklebokno !!!


BREWOK
Seorang nelayan sedang memancing di laut. Sepanjang malam menunggu dan menunggu tapi tak satupun ikan yang memakan umpannya. Sampai pagi pun ia belum mendapat satu pun ikan. Maka dia memutuskan untuk mancing terus sampai siang berikutnya. Karena kepanasan mulailah ia mencopoti bajunya satu per satu... dan akhirnya telanjang bulat.
Nah....akhirnya ada ikan besar nyantol di pancingnya. Saking senangnya dia pulang saat itu juga. Sampai di darat ia bertemu dengan orang-orang yang keheranan:
Orang A : "Wow.... besar...."
Nelayan : (dengan bangga)"Iya nih baru mancing di laut"
Orang B : "Waow...hitam....."
Nelayan : (dengan senyum) "Yah...begitulah ikan dari laut dalam"
Orang C : "Wuih...brewokan..."
Nelayan : "Hah, brewokan...?" (kebingungan)
Lalu dilihatnya ikan:....tidak brewok...
ketika melihat ke bawah sadarlah ia....


DIKIRA LEMPER
A: Kenapa Tarzan pake celananya dari kulit harimau???
B: Karena kalau pake daun pisang ntar dikira lemper lagi he...he..he......heeee


MARUK
Seorang kakek duda 70 thn menyuruh mencarikan istri yang kira2 umur 60 thn. Tapi tidak ada, maka kakek berkata pada utusannya; " kalo nggak ada, yang umur 20 thn 3 orang juga boleh!"


TRONDOLLO JIDATMU
Di sebuah toko sepatu :
"Mas ! Ada sepatu merek "Trondolo Jidatmu" ?
Tanya seorang pembeli mempermainkan pelayan dengan menanyakan barang yang sebenarnya tidak ada.....cuma gengsi biar dibilang punya uang.
"Kebetulan, habis ! Coba anda cari di toko Trondolo Jidatmu Mengsong. Saya yakin pasti ada !"


KISAH SI ARNOLD
Si Arnold adalah seorang sarjana pengangguran yang kerjanya setiap hari adalah mabuk, bagi dia tiada hari tanpa mabuk..... Suatu hari, seperti biasa si Arnold mabuk, dia baru saja menenggak 4 botol MCDonald sendirian. Karena merasa kurang ia pun berniat membeli 2 botol Vodka kemudian ia berniat meminjam motor temannya si Eki.
"Ki,..hik.. gue pinjem ..hik...motor lu dong..hik..???". Karena Arnold adalah sahabat Eki ia pun meminjamkan motornya kepada Arnold.
"Nold... hati-hati ya.... itu motor masih kredit..!!!"...., "Beres...hik..!!"
Tak berapa lama Arnold kembali dengan membawa 1 buah ban motor. Eki kaget.
"Nold, kok lo pulang cuma bawa ban..??.lo kemanain motor gua..!!!??",
(dengan keadaan yang masih mabuk Arnold menerangkan kejadiannya)
"Begini Ki..hik...TADI SEWAKTU...hik...GUE LAGI NGEBUT....hik..... EH...ADA TIANG LISTRIK NYEBERANG...hik...hik...UDAH GUE BELOKIN...hik...EH..DIA MALAH NYAMPERIN...hik..."
Eki "?????"


SIZE BRA BY ALPHABET
Pernah kepikir ngga kenapa HURUF A,B,C,D,E dan F dipakai untuk ukuran BRA ?????
A = Airport ( rata )
B = Barely there ( Nyaris ada )
c = Can do ( Lumayan )
d = Damn Good ( Bagus banget )
e = Enormous ( sangaaaaat besar )
f = Fake ( palsu, booo )


BERAPA HARGANYA
Seorang bapak yang tinggal di kampung terpencil ingin membeli HP karena kebetulan baru panen jadi uangnya banyak, akhirnya dia ke kota membeli HP satu paket. Sesampainya di rumah dia heran kenapa tadi waktu di tes bisa bicara skrg kok ga bisa?
Dia kembali lagi ke toko dan dengan nada marah dia bilangg bahwa HP ini rusak, tapi setelah dites oleh penjual ternyata jadi lalu penjual tanya :
" Bapak tinggal dimana ?"
Dan si bapak menjelaskan tempatnya ... akhirnya penjual mengerti kalau tempat tinggalnya tidak ada signal.
Penjual : "Pak ditempat bapak belum ada signal jadi HP ini tidak bisa difungsikan."
Bapak: "Lha kalau begitu signal berapa harganya.. ??????!!!!"


PERMOHONAN SEBELUM HUJAN
Ada seorang mahasiswa yang siang itu terburu-buru mau kuliah, padahal diluaran mendung sekali, maklum Januari musim hujan.
Terus dia berdoa terlebih dahulu sebelum berangkat kuliah, seperti biasa anak muda naik motor :
"Ya Tuhanku, saya mohon sebelum saya sampai kampus jangan Engkau turunkan hujan bagiku. Amin"
Dengan bergegas dia pacu sepeda motornya, selip sana selip sini, lampu merah langsung tabras saja.
Eh pas sampai di pasar (1 km dari kampus) hujan turun dengan lebatnya !!
Sambil menepikan motornya, dia ngedumel: "Ya Tuhan gue kan belom sampe, kok udah hujan sih."


CUCU KURANG AJAR
Seorang Kakek yang baru sembuh bertanya kepada cucunya,
Kakek : Cu, apa udah diberitahu sama Pak Ustad kalo Kakek udah sembuh?
Cucu : Udah Kek!
Kakek : Kamu bilangnya apa sama Pak Ustad?
Cucu: Aku bilang, Pak Ustad tahlilan nya gak jadi, Kakek udah sehat lagi...
Kakek : Wualah!!!


KETIPU
Saya tiap hari pergi pulang lewat tol, suatu hari saya sangat kaget ketika ada seorang penjaga tol ternyata..... dia nggak pake BH alias bra.
Dengan penasaran saya perhatikan name tag di dadanya "Bambang Nugraha?????"


TOKO KIWI
Suatu hari ada seorang cewek yg cantik dan bahenol naik angkot,sebut saja namanya si mawar. Di tengah jalan mawar berkata kepada sopir angkot yang dinaikinya,
Mawar : "Bang,kiwi bang"
Sopir : "Toko kiwi sebentar lagi neng"
krn diburu waktu si mawar bilang lagi,
Mawar : "Bang,kiwi bang"
Sopir : "hih,si neng dibilangin kok ngga percaya sih.Toko kiwi bentar lagi neng."
Akhirnya dengan jengkel mawar mendekati si sopir sambil menarik bibirnya, "KIRI, tahuuuu.... !"
Sopir pun menengok dan sesaat kemudian dia cekikikan,
"neng...neng...klo kiri bilang dong ... ! Jangan ngeledek gitu. Sayahnya kan bingung" ledek sang sopir.


IKUTAN KUIS
Pada suatu hari ada suatu kuis.dan pesertanya 3 negara yaitu : Indonesia, Arab, Amerika.
Mereka mendapat 3 pertanyaan, pertanyaan pertama yaitu: "Siapakah pemenang sea games bulu tangkis tahun 80?".
Amerika menjawab : " Mika Hakinen!".
dewan juri menjawab: " Salah !".
Arab menjawab: "Michael Jordan!"
Kemudian Indonesia menjawab : " Sial...... !, gue lupa !"
Dewan juri menjawab : "Betul! Si Alan Budi Kusuma! "
Pertanyaan kedua : "Apakah makanan terkenal di Amerika?"
Amerika menjawab : "Hot Dog!".
Dewan juri menjawab : " Salah !"
Arab menjawab : " Pizza !"
Dewan juri menjawab: " Salah ! "
Kemudian Indonesia menjawab : " Babi , gue kan gak pernah ke Amerika !"
Dewan juri menjawab :" Ya, betul ! Babi ! Jawabannya !"
Pertanyaan ketiga :" Apakah kata-kata yang terkenal di Arab ?"
Amerika menjawab :" Thank You !"
Dewan juri menjawab :" Salah !"
Arab menjawab :" Alhamdulilah !"
Dewan juri menjawab : "Salah !"
Indonesia menjawab :" Astagfirullah ! gue bener-bener gak tau nih !"
Dewan juri menjawab :" Betul sekali ! Indonesia menang ! Dan mendapat uang sebesar US$1.000,00"


PINGIN MUNTAH
"Lin,kalau melihat wajah mu aku jadi ingat laut", kata Udin kepada lina.
Memang kenapa?
JADI INGIN MUNTAH.


PENCOPET TERMUDA
Sepasang suami istri punya anak 6 orang, namun semuanya jadi maling, copet, dan perampok.
Malam-malam mereka bicara,"Bu, kita tambah anak satu lagi. Semoga yang satu jadi Kyai."

Akhirnya si Istri hamil.
Dengan gembira suami istri minta saran pada pak Kyai. "Pak Kyai, apa yang harus diamalkan agar anak saya jadi anak saleh?"
Pak kyai menjawab, "Baca Yasiin, Tabbarraq, dan amalan lainnya tiap hari."
Semua saran kyai dituruti.
Pas 9 bulan, dengan bantuan bidan anak itu lahir.
Si suami bertanya, "Bu Bidan, apa yang harus dilakukan biar anak saya saleh?"
"Baca Azan di telinga kanan, dan Qamat di telinga kiri," kata Bidan.
"Setelah itu?"
"Buka tangannya yang menggenggam, agar nanti tidak pelit pada orang lain."
Si Suami dengan susah payah membuka tangan bayi .............. eh ternyata..... ada cincin emas bidan 5 gram digenggaman !!!!


Melanggar Larangan
Di sebuah kereta listrik yang sedang melaju kencang dari arah kota Bogor, ada seorang wanita tua yang sedang menggendong bayi yang sedang menangis. Kelihatannya wanita tua itu akan ke Jakarta.
Penumpang lain 1 : "Bu, anak ibu nangis terus dari tadi. biasanya, kalo anak nangis kayak gitu, dia kelaperan, mo minta susu"
Ibu : "Oh, saya sudah tau."
Penumpang lain 1 : "Kenapa ga langsung dikasih aja, biar diem"
Ibu : "Tapi gimana ya mbak, di deket jendela itu tertulis 'Dilarang Mengeluarkan Anggota Badan'...."


HILANG LAGI
Suatu sore saat mengunjungi pameran "Jakarta Fair", tiba-tiba ada pengumuman dari pusat Informasi PRJ.
"Perhatian, perhatian kepada seluruh pengunjung, akan adanya berita kehilangan.
Telah hilang seorang kakek berumur 76 tahun dengan ciri-ciri memakai sarung warna biru, pakai sendal jepit, membawa tongkat dan sedikit pikun.
Bagi yang menemukannya harap membawanya ke pusat informasi di sayap D PRJ"
Sambil mendengar itu, aku memperhatikan seorang kakek disampingku yang menepuk dahinya. "Astaga aku hilang lagi!"
??????????


PEMBERANI
Dua orang lelaki yang bertetangga berbincang-bincang di depan rumah mereka
"Ternyata kau seorang yang pemberani"
"Kau tahu dari mana?"
"Kemarin malam pukul 02:00 dini hari, kulihat kau diluar rumah sendirian"
"Bah! Kalau aku pemberani, pasti sudah kuketuk pintu rumahku!"


SEKERTARIS PEMULA
Pada suatu hari, seorang direktur dari sebuah perusahaan mendapat secarik kertas yang berisi tentang laporan keuangan perusahaannya.
Kemudian,dia berkata pada sekretarisnya,,
"Tolong copy-kan laporan ini dan segera serahkan padaku!".
30 menit kemudian, sang direktur merasa ada yang aneh mengapa sekretarisnya masih belum kembali juga.
Akhirnya,sang direktur pergi mencari si sekretaris.
Saat dia sedang mencari,tiba-tiba dia mencium bau kopi dari dapur.
Saat dia sampai ke dapur,betapa terkejutnya dia ketika melihat sekretarisnya sedang merobek laporannya lalu memasukkannya kedalam segelas kopi untuk dihidangkan padanya


ANUS THERAPY
Thyerry Henry dateng ke rumah si Yudiono. Lalu Henry mencium bau yang amat wangi di kamar si yudi.
Henry: Yud, bau paan ni kamar lo wangi amat
Yudi: Oh, iya dong ini kan aroma therapy. Bau Eucalyptus lho!
Henry: Wuah hebat yah kamu!
Selang beberapa menit, tercium bau lain. Henry pun nyeletuk...
Henry: Yud, bau paan nih?? Hebat yah aroma therapy kamu bisa brubah-brubah baunya
Yudi: Bukan... (dgn tersipu2) barusan saya kentut.. hehehehe
Henry: Bah... kalo itu namanya anus therapy .. !!


BUDEG
Kakek: "Mestinya di televisi lebih banyak menayangkan film Mr. Bean
atau Charlie Chaplin."
Cucu : "Memangnya kenapa, kakek penggemar film-film lucu yah?"
Kakek: "Bukan begitu, Cu, soalnya kuping kakek sekarang sudah tuli!"


YANG BANYAK
Sorang wanita membawa cuciannya ke sebuah laundry.
Ketika kembali, ternyata masih ada noda kotor di pakaian
dalamnya.
Seminggu kemudian ketika ia kembali ke laundry tersebut,
diselipkannya sebuah catatan di pakaian dalamnya: "Pakai
sabun yang banyak!"
Hal ini berlangsung terus-menerus,
berminggu-minggu, sampai akhirnya si pemilik laundry
sebel.
Akhirnya ketika mengembalikan cucian, si pemilik laundry
menyelipkan catatan balasan di pakaian dalam si wanita yang
bunyinya: "Pakai pembalut yang banyak!"


PINDAH
Pada suatu hari Si Amat sedang menelpon Udin :
Amat :"Hallo...maaf bisa bicara dengan Udin ????"
Penerima telp :"Maaf anda salah sambung. Disini pemadam kebakaran".
Amat :"Oh kalo begitu Udin pindah kemana, ya...????.
Penerima telp :"........................."


NGGA MAU KALAH
Dua orang sahabat kental yg sama-sama hobi mancing sedang berbincang di teras,sebut saja namanya si Aman dia adalah seorang yg paling pintar mancing di antara temannya
kimin: Man kamu mancing kemarin dapet sebesar apa?
Aman : Sebesar...paha...(dengan sombongnya)
kimin: Hah....masa?..tapi kamu masih kalah sama si Ujang anak kecil tetangga dia dapet ikan gabus sebesar bayi...(sambil manas-manasin)
Aman sambil gak mau kalah dia menimpalin
Aman: Maksud saya yang sebesar paha itu kumisnya.........
Kimin:hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh????????


BEDA CARA MENIKMATI
Saat liburan musim panas, segerombolan TV kru datang ke pantai untuk meliput suasana musim panas di pantai untuk berita cuaca. Reporter bertanya kepada salah satu pengunjung :
Reporter: "Apa yang anda lakukan di sini?"
pengujung: "Saya sedang liburan !"
Reporter : "Apakah anda menikmatinya?"
pengujung : "Ya, tentu. Saya menikmati setiap menitnya"
Kemudian reporter bertanya kepada wanita muda dengan pertanyaan yang sama jawabnya ....
Wanita : "Saya sedang bulan madu !"
Reporter : "Oh yesss, apakah anda menikmatinya ?"
Wanita : "Ya, saya menikmati setiap inchinya"
Reporter: "?????"


REBONDING
Bihun sangat iri hati terhadap mie, setiap kali bertemu di supermarket mereka tidak pernah bertegur sapa, bahkan bihun sering mengolok-olok mie di depan umum, "Dasar kribo jelek hiih, mentang-mentang kuning gemuk aja orang-orang lebih suka sama dia, nggak tahu malu"
Hari-hari berlalu dengan semakin menumpuknya rasa kebencian. Mie tetap adem ayem, tidak peduli bihun mau bilang apa. Pikir mie,"Kafilah menggonggong gue berlalu aah.."
Suatu hari di supermarket muncul item baru bernama spaghetti. Karena tidak kuat menahan emosi, bihun berlari dari raknya dan memukuli kepala spaghetti sambil berteriak, "Jangan kira gue enggak ngenalin eloe ya !!! Meskipun di-rebonding begitu, gue tetep tau eloe si kribo jelek itu..."


KERTAS TOLIET ABIS
Seorang gadis cantik yang berpakaian seksi sehabis keluar dari W.C. mendekati bar, lalu duduk dikursi yang tersedia seraya bertanya kepada Bar Tender, "Apakah kamu Boss-nya ?", "Tentu saja bukan, aku adalah Bar Tender disini", tak dinyana cewek itu melambaikan tangannya agar dia mendekat, per-tama-tama wanita itu me-megang2 tangannya, tahap berikutnya mem-belai-belai mukanya, seterusnya memasukkan olala..... satu-persatu jari tangannya kedalam mulur Bar Tender tersebut, merasa ditantang, laki-laki muda yang tak tahu duduk perkaranya keruan saja lantas menghisap semua jari-jari lentik itu sekian lama, mimpi apa aku semalam pikirnya, akhirnya perempuan muda itu bertanya :" Apakah aku bisa menemui Boss-mu sekarang ?", "Waktu-waktu begini biasanya beliau sibuk, katakan saja padaku apa kepentinganmu, nanti kusampaikan", "Oh baiklah kalau begitu, sampaikan bahwa kertas pembersih di W.C. sudah habis, gitu saja, by byyy.....".


NGERJAIN PATIH
Disuatu kerajaan, sang raja sedang menderita sakit yang sangat ganas, dan ia dalam keadaan sekarat. Semua pengawal kerajaan sangat kuatir, sampai-sampai semua permintaan sang raja selalu pengawalnya penuhi. Suatu ketika sang raja meminta goreng kotoran ayam,dan sang patih memenuhinya, tak lama kemudian pesanan pun datang. Goreng kotoran ayam itu didepan mata sang raja, dan menyuruh patih untuk mencicipinya terlebih dahulu, setelah dicicipi oleh patih, patihpun bilang,"ternyata pahit,raja". Raja pun berkata,"pahit patih ?, ooooooh apalagi dimakan orang yang sakit! Buang patih,buaaaaaang!


SAYA MAU MARAH
Di Pinggiran setasiun kereta api seorang ibu penjual makanan sedang bersiap siap menunggu kereta api yang sebentar lagi tiba, dengan harapan barang dagangannya akan laku tetapi ketika kereta api yang ditunggu tiba tak seorang pun penumpang yang turun membeli barang dagangannya. Kemudian dengan perasaan kesal si ibu tersebut berteriak : Toloooong-toloooong tolooong ". Para penumpang kereta api tersebut pada terkejut kemudian segera menghampiri si Ibu dan bertanya : "Ada apa, ada apa bu?". Kemudian dengan tersenyum si ibu tersebut menjawab : "Ada pecel, ada bakwan, ada mie ada aqua teh sosro juga ada, bapak mau yang mana?...kemudian dengan kesal penumpang tersebut menjawab : "Saya mau marah"


TAK SUDI
Dua orang bocah berusia 12 tahun yang belum mengerti apa-apa jalan-jalan keluar kota naik kereta api kemudian ditengah perjalanan seorang penjaja burung goreng meneriakkan jajaannya "Burung goreng, Burung Goreng,"
namun ketika si Penjaja tersebut menawari kedua bocah tersebut, salah seorang diantara mereka menjerit histeris
"Tidak.....,Tidakkk, Aku tidak sudiii", dengan terheran heran si Penjaja tersebut bertanya kepada bocah yang menjerit histeris tersebut "Welleeh kenapa kau menjerit" kemudian sambil ketakutan si bocah tersebut menjawab "Tolong Jangan Goreng Burungku, aku tak sudi, inilah satu-satunya milikku".


SOGOKAN
Seorang bos memberikan uang tutup mulut sama supirnya.
"Udin, ini uang tutup mulutnya 100 ribu, jangan bilang2 sama nyonya rumah kalo saya selingkuh, ok?"
Si supir bilang : "ok bos, tapi koq 100 ribu kurang nih bos"
dengan kaget si bos tanya "100 ribu masih kurang, gila lu, maunya berapa?"
Sisupir dengan jujur bilang : "300 ribu dong bos, sebab semalam tadi nyonya ngasih uang tutup mulutnya 200 ribu"
mendengar pengaduan itu sibos langsung pingsan.


NYAMUK SIALAN
Ada seorang pemuda dari kampung datang ke kota untuk mencari pekerjaan. Namanya Midun. Orangnya lugu dan agak sedikit bego. Di kota ia menyewa sebuah kamar, yah lumayan lah buat dia. Midun berkata "Yang penting bisa berteduh dari hujan dan panas serta bisa tidur bersama kelambu kesayanganku, sudah cukup buatku".
Hari menjelang malam dan malam pun bertambah larut. Si Midun yang keletihan karena seharian mencari pekerjaan. Malam itu dia tidur dengan kelambu kesayangannya.
"Mana ada nyamuk di kota, akibat globalisasi dan teknologi, semua nyamuk di kota udah tersingkir ke kampung2 ",Midun berkata dalam hati. Midun pun terlena. Jam menunjukkan pukul 2 malam dan tanpa terasa nyamuk pun makin bertambah banyak.
"sialan kau nyamuk...aku pikir engga ada, ehh engga tau nya lebih banyak nyamuk di kota daripada di kampungku...kurang ajar".
Lalu Midun pun mendapat sebuah ide. "....ahh aku pindah ke bawah aja lah, rasain kau nyamuk, kau di dalam kelambu dan aku di bawah tempat tidur. Aku tipu kau....hahahaha",Midun kegirangan.
Dibawah tempat tidur itu, tiba2 datang kunang2 dan midun pun berkata " Kurang ajar kau nyamuk.....bawa senter kau yaa..."